End of an era….

Hey folks,

After careful consideration, I’ve decided to shut down this blog. It is with a heavy heart, and a feeling of guilt also. As my views have dwindled to practically zero now, due to my own negligence of not posting regularly. Life just simply got in the way. I may start up a new blog in the future, but for now, I’m bringing this one to a close.

Thank you all for all of your support, comments etc, it has truly meant a lot to me over the past couple of years. It is with deep sadness that I’ve made this decision, but I feel it’s for the best in the long run. I just don’t have the time to spend writing much these days, as life with a baby is rather hectic! Rest assured, your loyalty to my blog never went unnoticed, and I feel so grateful for all of you who have followed my journey on here.

Apologies to anyone who does still pop by and read my ramblings, I’ll come back one day perhaps! May just start a fresh blog at some point about being a mother with bipolar. But this blog has well and truly run it’s course now I think, and it’s time to move on.

I’m going to find a way of downloading all of the posts, so that I can keep them, before I delete the blog. As it’ll be good to look back on maybe. Who knows. I could even get it printed into a book…. that would be a bit ott though perhaps!

So, with all that said, I write my final words, but this time, there won’t be a next time.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Take care, stay strong, and good bye.

x Sara Phoenix x

Life….

Hey folks,

Thought whilst I had 5 spare minutes I’d pop on here and check in!

Things are going okay, mostly. I am getting very tired though, and it’s beginning to show. I’m getting really emotional and a bit grumpy sometimes. But overall, it’s not too bad. Jessica is sleeping pretty well at night, which helps. Had a busy weekend though, so am flagging a bit tonight. Got a busy week ahead too, so need to make the most of tomorrow being bank holiday and having hubby at home.

Tuesday I’ve got a lunch date with a friend; Wednesday Jessica and I have our 8 week post natal check up; Thursday the health visitor is coming and we’ve got baby group and then Friday, nothing planned as yet. Will probably just chill out at home to be honest.

I’m still really enjoying being a mum though, Jessica is doing really well and changing daily. We’re getting lots of smiles, gurgles and coos now, which is amazing and sweet. I love her smile so much, it melts my heart every time. Bless her.

The first of September is fast approaching, so we’ll be getting our notice to move out of here (hurrah!!!!). I honestly can’t wait. I’m liking living here less and less every day. The flat is so small and we have acquired a fair bit of stuff since having Jessica, and we’re just tripping over each other now. And then there’s the neighbours….less than pleasant to live beneath. So so noisy. They have a teenage son, who has his mates round a lot, and they cause us a lot of grief. Many a time they’ve woken Jessica with loud music or shouting and swearing. It’s driving me to despair. But, as soon as we get that notice, we’ll be heading to the council to get their help in finding somewhere else. Hopefully it’ll be a house rather than a flat, and in a nicer area. Fingers and toes crossed for us folks, we need all the luck we can get.

Anyway, there’s bottles to wash and sterilise, so I best be getting on! Thanks for reading, if you have done so!

Take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

Onwards & Upwards….

Hey folks, 

Have changed the appearance of mg blog. Figured it was getting a bit old and stale, and I fancied a change! Out with the old, in with the new as they say! 

So, I went to see my psychiatrist today; always a pleasure, not! Am in and out in less than 5 minutes, is the usual crap really. She asks me about how I’ve been feeling and tells me she thinks I’m doing really well etc. Then its so long until next month. Am getting closer to being signed off back to the GP though. I’m being kept an eye on for 3 months after birth, which is probably a good thing. But is frustrating at the same time. I was however, told that I look amazing and am doing a great job at being a mum. That was a nice feeling I must admit. I often wonder how people perceive me as a mother, and compliments like that show me. It was a lovely lady, can’t remember her name, she’s a doula. She suggested I look up getting one for myself, to give me a bit of a break some days. Which I’m considering, but not 100% set on yet. I am.exhausted though to be honest, and could do with a bit of help some days. Even just to have some help with the housework. My hubby does help, but works hard to support us all, so I try to do as much as I can myself. It is hard though. And sleep deprivation is a bitch quite frankly! 

But all that being said, as I have said before, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have a beautiful daughter, who we waited over 6 years for (5 and a bit trying then 39 weeks of pregnancy!). Its all so so worth it and I love being a mum. 

Had some sad news today though; my poor mum had to have her little dog put to sleep. She was really poorly with kidney and liver failure, and they thought she had an internal bleed too. Mums obviously devastated, bless her. Just wish I could take the pain away from her. She’s a tough cookie though (probably where I get it from!) so she’ll be okay. Whether she gets a new dog, we shall see. It won’t be any time soon though. 

Anyway, my eyes are fighting me now, so I shall leave it there. Thanks for reading! 

Take care, stay strong and until next time…. 

x Sara Phoenix x 

A quick check in….

Hey folks,

Just thought I would check in and update you all on life in my world….

I think I’m slowly but surely getting to grips with motherhood! I’m starting to learn the different cries (hunger/wet/tired etc). It’s taking me a while, but I think I’m getting there now. It’s a definite learning curve being a first time mum, but something I’m totally loving and wouldn’t change a thing. Even the sleep deprivation is getting easier to tolerate!

Jessica is doing really well, growing and developing rather quickly for my liking, but obviously that’s a good thing too! She’s becoming her own little character, gurgling and cooing away, it’s lovely. She’s getting more alert when she’s awake now, looking around, holding her head up, and smiling too. She’s my world, and I can’t describe how much I love having her in my life.

As far as our housing situation is concerned, we’re slowly but surely making progress there also. The payments towards our rent have been reinstated, and backdated, so some of the rent arrears has been cleared. Just the rest of it to sort out, and then we can start bidding on social housing. Fingers crossed.

Mental health wise, I’m a little unstable to be honest; I have quite a few ups and downs these days, I think mostly due to our situation with the housing. Once that’s resolved I’m hoping my mental health will settle again. I just keep getting there horrible flashes where I see us being made homeless with a baby. I honestly don’t know how we’d cope with that. I don’t think it’ll come to that though, at least I sincerely hope not!! But, to be facing homelessness for the second time this year, it’s going to take it’s toll. I’ve also lost my PIP money as well, because at the time of review, my mental health was stable and I was well, so they’ve deemed me as no longer eligible. I could perhaps appeal the decision, but in all honesty I don’t think it’ll get me very far. It’s a really difficult payment to get as it is, and when I compare my health now to my health back then when I originally applied and got awarded it, I can see why I’m not eligible now. Although my condition is so very unpredictable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so so much better than I was right at the start of this blog. So I’m not really complaining, it’s just frustrating as that was a huge portion of our income. I am looking and applying for other things that we’re entitled to though, so hopefully it won’t make too much of an impact.

Anyway, will be time to feed and get to bed soon, so will call it a night on this now. Will update again as and when I can 🙂

Take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

 

 

1 whole month….

Hey folks,

Apologies for not posting regularly as I’d hoped to, but as you can imagine, life is pretty hectic! Jessica has turned our world upside down quite honestly, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I totally adore being a mummy, despite it being the hardest job in the world haha. I’m utterly exhausted 99% of the time, but she’s so worth it. I have to say, that my biggest, best and proudest achievement in life, is most definitely having my daughter. I’m proud of my body for growing such a perfect little human, who fills me with such love and joy, every minute of every day (even when she’s grumpy!). She’s beautiful and has so much love to give already, and I love her with all my heart and soul. She’s a month old today, and what a month it has been! We’ve had great days, good days and the odd difficult day, but each and every day is such a blessing to have our daughter.

Things have gone a little sour regarding our housing situation though, which is stressing me out somewhat. It’s a bit of a complicated story to be honest, and some of it I can’t really divulge in such a public domain, but we do find ourselves in quite a pickle at the moment. Up until 26th June, our rent was subsidised, and unbeknown to us that particular avenue stopped and now for that reason, which is beyond our control, we’re over £1000 in rent arrears, and that needs to be paid before the housing association will even contemplate moving us within their system, and the council won’t let us bid on their accommodation website until it’s resolved too. We’ve acquired the assistance of a family support worker though, who is going to help us. Tomorrow she is coming round to the flat, to go through the paperwork and make some calls to the relevant people. Hopefully we can rectify the situation and get things sorted and moving in the right direction (quite literally!). We’re due to be given our 2 months notice to move out of here on the 1st of September, which means all being well, we shall be out of here by the end of October. In all honesty, I’ll be glad to go, as we have such issues with neighbours that it’s driving us both mad on a daily basis and it’s not somewhere I want to bring up my daughter.

Mental health wise, I did have a tiny blip, just on one day, where I had a proper meltdown and my husband had to come home from work to help look after Jessica. I’d spent the morning crying and Jessica had been really unsettled. I was totally frazzled and definitely not coping. Thankfully, it was literally just that one day so far that I’ve gotten to that state, but ever since I’ve been a bit paranoid to be honest. But, I take each day as it comes, and plod on. At the end of the day, my daughter means the world to me and no matter what, I’m going to keep myself well, and if that means getting extra help then so be it.

Anyway, today has been quite a difficult day, as Jessica has been really grizzly and unsettled, so we’re going to try and get her to sleep and then get some sleep ourselves. Will try and post as often as I can, but like I said at the start, things are rather hectic! I don’t even get time to drink a hot cuppa these days haha. Love her though, so so much.

Thanks for reading peeps, hope you’re all doing okay and are well 🙂

Take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

 

Long time, no speak!!!!

Hey folks!!

Firstly, let me apologise a million times and more, for not posting in so long!! It wasn’t totally intentional, although perhaps it has done the blog some good to have a break, and to be fair, I’ve had a lot going on! I hope this post finds you all well too 🙂

Anyway, where to begin?!

The last time I blogged, I proudly announced my pregnancy! Well, I’m no longer pregnant, and I’m now a very proud mummy, to a beautiful baby girl, who we’ve called Jessica 🙂 for safety reasons, I won’t post a photo (sorry), but we’re utterly besotted with her. She was born at 12:16pm, on Thursday 7th July, weighing 7lbs 11oz. My labour was long, painful and exhausting, but she’s so worth it. I was a complete nutter and refused all pain relief though! My husband calls me his badass wife, haha! I honestly do not know how I managed to get through it, perhaps just sheer grit and determination, and focusing on the end result! My labour took a long time to get going, and in the end they had to break my waters, and then hook me up to a hormone drip as well to speed things up. Overall, I was in established labour for 8 hours and 6 minutes, and 2 of those hours was pushing. I was utterly exhausted, and needed a bit of help to get her out, in the form of the ventouse. I had hoped to avoid intervention, but obviously once they’d broken my waters and induced me, that had gone out of the window anyway. Plus, I was prepared to do anything to get her out safely. By the end I really just didn’t have the energy to push her out on my own. I had to be cut and tore quite badly, so needed a lot of stitches, meaning recovering is tough. I also had a post-partum haemorrhage too, so have needed to be on iron tablets since the birth.  I’m getting there slowly but surely, and loving being a mummy!! Although I’m so sleep deprived, I’m starting to lose my mind a little haha. She’s quite a good girl though, and pretty laid back like her daddy, which is good. Everyone who meets her comments on how content she is, and how well behaved! I’m guessing it won’t always be like that haha!

As far as my mental health is concerned, I came off all medication as 20 weeks pregnant, as it was discovered that there was potential risks to baby, and I wasn’t prepared to take any chances with our precious little bundle. So, I came off the Sertraline first, followed by the Quetiapine as well. It was a little rocky to start with, but the pregnancy hormones really helped I think. I was classed as stable throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, which is really good. I’m not back on my medication though, in order to avoid post natal depression or post partum psychosis. I’m feeling pretty good though, and I’ve only got to look at my daughter for a reason to smile 🙂

Another thing we’ve had to deal with, is moving home. That in itself is stressful enough, but doing so whilst pregnant was really hard. I was so useless, as couldn’t really do a lot of the lifting or anything, and that frustrated me. Anyone who knows me personally, knows how much I value my independence, and I didn’t have a lot of that by the end of my pregnancy! We moved in March, and managed to get settled and everything ready for baby’s arrival, so that wasn’t so bad. We do however, find ourselves in the same situation again! (No, not pregnant haha!). Where we’re living now, was only temporary, like emergency housing really. So, we’re on the hunt again for somewhere else. I’m really hoping that we can find a house, as we’re currently in a 2 bed flat, with very little space. Quite frankly, I’m glad we’ve got to move again. With one thing and another, this place just hasn’t ever really felt like home. It’s on the first floor, so there’s a set of stairs to deal with, and when I was heavily pregnant, it was a total mission. Now, it’s a mission getting the pram up and down!! I’d love a little house, with a garden, for Jessica really. But, what will be will be, and we shall see!! Fingers crossed!

As of today, I am 8 months, 13 days and 22 odd hours, smokefree! It totally stuck this time; I think the motivation of being pregnant really spurred me on, and now of course with a little baby, I just don’t want to go back to it. Don’t get me wrong though, there has been moments where I’ve thought about it, and even craved it too. But, I just look at our little girl, and I vow to stay smokefree for her sake. Her daddy still smokes, but never around her. He is also planning to quit soon anyway.

I believe that’s pretty much it from me tonight; it’s going to be feed time soon, and potentially bed time for us all as well! I’m struggling to keep my eyes open, so hoping for a good night tonight….

Thanks for being patient with me, and still following me regardless of the lack of posts! I appreciate each and every one of you!! I shall try to post a bit more often, but obviously with baby, it may be short, sweet and sporadic!

Take care, stay strong, and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

New Year Update!!

Hey folks,

Huge, huge apologies for not blogging in so long!! It’s been a crazy couple of months to be honest and a lot has happened! So, I am here to update you all and hopefully get back on track with my blog and post more often again! I’ve missed it to be honest!!!!

Well, where to start….

As you all know, I quit smoking on 2nd November 2015. And I’m delighted to say it’s stuck this time, and I’m still smokefree 🙂 having some really great news on the same day as my first quit day really helped to motivate me though. Also on the 2nd of November, I found out I’m pregnant!!!! Dreams came true and year made! There was no doubt I’d stay smokefree from there onwards!

Because of morning sickness though, I’ve not visited the gym since 11th November!! Shocking I know…. I really do miss it. It used to be my second home haha. I had to stop training with my PT as well, as it was too much and I didn’t want to cause any harm to baby.

I’ve also put my Personal Trainer course on hold; as I was unable to do the practical exams now that I’m pregnant. It’s on hold for a year, so I won’t have to worry about it until end of this year, when baby will be here 🙂

I’m now 14 weeks pregnant, and the morning sickness is starting to ease slightly; it’s now more just the evenings, whereas to start with I felt sick all day every day! I can’t say I’ve really enjoyed being pregnant so far haha! But it’ll all be worth it.

We had the first scan this week too, to make sure everything was okay and to date the pregnancy officially. Baby was measuring 13 weeks and 5 days, so my due date is July 8th 🙂 6 months from today!! All is well though, and it was such an amazing experience to see our baby for the first time; and amusing when the sonographer wiggled the scanner on my tummy, and baby turned it’s back on us, showing us it’s bottom! We did buy some scan photo’s too, and I can’t stop looking at them! I’m so in love already! The next scan is on the 19th February, when I’ll be 20 weeks, halfway! It’s going so fast, it’s kind of frightening haha. We’re not going to find out the sex of the baby though, we’re keeping it as a surprise for when it’s born. As hubby pointed out, you don’t get many surprises in life, and this one will be rather epic!

I’m so excited, and rather terrified! Being a mummy is all I’ve ever wanted, and we’ve been trying for a baby for 5 years, so it’s been a long time coming. In the back of my mind I’m constantly worrying though, hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong, and seriously can’t wait to meet him or her and hold them in my arms.

Here is our beautiful baby:

It has caused a few complications regarding my medication though for the bipolar. They had to change the anti-psychotic to a safer one asap, and I’ve got to go back and see the psychiatrist throughout my pregnancy, so they can keep an eye on my mental health. That side of it is a little frustrating, as I never really got on with the psychiatrist, always found her to be so patronising and she never really listened to me. Maybe things will be different this time around, fingers crossed. I’ve also got to be under a consultant at the hospital as well.

As far as my mental health goes at the moment, I’m feeling great. Over the moon at the thought of being a mummy, honestly couldn’t be happier right now. When I see the psychiatrist later on this month, I am going to say that I want to come off the anti-psychotics though; as I’ve read that it can cause problems when taken through the third trimester. So I want off. It’s completely my right to request that too, so she can’t really tell me no. As long as I stay on the anti-depressant I think I’ll be okay anyway. As depression was my main problem over the years.

I’ve just realised that really the only thing that’s happened since I last posted is the pregnancy haha. And that’s all I’ve seemed to talk about in this post…. ah well, it’s all good!

I hope you all forgive me for being so quiet; I do appreciate you all still and have missed talking to you. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, and I wish you all the best for 2016. I hope it’s an awesome year for us all!!

I shall leave it there for tonight as I’m completely exhausted and bed is calling me! So, thank you for reading and I hope you’ll still all be there for me on this new and exciting adventure in my life 🙂

Take care, stay strong, and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

6th December

Hey folks,

So sorry for being so slack at writing recently! I’m still here, plodding on day to day, and getting through best I can! My moods have been reasonably stable lately, so that’s good. I kind of feel like I’m just on cruise control, I guess that’s not such a bad thing!! It’s better than being depressed or manic that’s for sure.

Christmas is fast approaching though, and I’m getting a tad stressed about that. Can’t afford much for anyone, and nothing for each other either, which sucks. I know the true meaning of Christmas isn’t about gifts, it’s about being with each other. But there’s a lot of expectation surrounding it, and that’s what really bugs me to be honest. People shouldn’t expect gifts, as times are tough and people just can’t afford to splurge these days.

Life is just ticking along though, and as I said above, I’m just getting by day to day really. Not making any big plans, as they never seem to work out anyway! But I am loving life at the moment, well mostly. In a bit of debt which is also stressing me out, but hopefully I’ll find a way to resolve it. Not sure how, but there’s got to be a way somehow. It’s nothing new to me to be honest, so really I shouldn’t be stressing about it….

Anyway, think that’s all from me really; just thought I’d check in a let you all know I’m still alive, haha!! Hope you’re all well and doing okay. Apologies again for my slacking on the posting front, will try to get back to it regularly.

Thanks for reading folks, take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

19th November

Hey folks,

Apologies for the long delay in me writing, again! There’s really not a lot going on that I can write about to be honest. Just living day to day really, doing okay and loving life 🙂

My poor mum had a fall yesterday, bless her, cut all down one side of her face, and her eye. Looked very sore 😦 thankfully nothing broken, and she was quite chirpy and well otherwise, just a little shaken up. I spent all afternoon with her, just to make sure she was okay.

I can’t remember if I told you about getting a car or not, was a while ago…. but I did. A little black Ford Ka. Called him Charlie, haha! Well, am in the process of selling him now! It needs a fair bit of work doing to it and it’s just not on my priorities right now. So it’s got to go sadly. Was a good little car for the time I had it 🙂

Still smoke free, nearly 3 weeks now, well will be on Sunday 🙂 feeling great and loving being a non-smoker too. Feels really good, and I’m really proud of myself. Never thought I’d ever crack it; but just goes to show if you’re head is in the right place, then you can take on anything!

Anyway, that’s pretty much it from me really, nothing else going on to write about at the moment! Thanks for reading my randomness though, means a lot!

Take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

 

9th November

Hey folks,

Been a while hasn’t it haha, apologies. Not really had a lot to write about though to be honest, as not much has really happened! Well, that’s a lie, there’s been a few developments over the past week, but not all I can write about here unfortunately! I can tell you 2 things though; I’ve cancelled my gym instructor assessment tomorrow and deferred my course for a year. For reasons that I can’t explain just now, but don’t worry, I am okay honestly. Life has just gotten in the way really, and it’s not the right time for me to be studying.

Other than that, not a lot to report really!! My medication has been reduced slightly, which is good! But I am being referred back to the mental health team, just to keep an eye on things for a while. I’m doing okay, but they just want to check up on me and monitor things on the new medication. Don’t worry folks, it’s all good 🙂

Oh, today is day 8 smoke free 😀 Doing really well, and not even using patches any more either!! I’m feeling really determined and confident this time around, and 100% motivated; so it’s all good!!

Right, that’s all from me for tonight, am really tired and fancy a nice bath and an early night 🙂

Thanks for reading, and will try and post more often! Take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x