June 29th – Post Show Blues

Hey folks,

Well, what can I say, yesterday was incredible!!! We got a standing ovation at the second show, such an awesome feeling! Here’s us in all our glory on the stage:

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It was completely exhausting, but so worth it. I love performing with Rock Choir, it’s truly a great experience every time.

The day started bright and early at 10am, for line ups, soundchecks etc. A brief bit of lunch, and then it was show time (1 of 2!) at 2pm! A few technical hitches with the backing tracks, but otherwise a slick and smooth show that seemed to be well received. We then had a 45 minute break to rest and eat before show time again at 6pm! I was part of a group performance of a song called The Living Years; there was 9 of us, 3 of each part. It went really well the first time, despite nerves and emotions running high, but the second time it went even better. I did have to fight back tears though, it’s a very emotive song and makes me think of my father.

By the end of the second show at 8.30pm I was shattered; I really don’t have the greatest amount of energy these days, and it does bug me. As I said above though, I didn’t care how tired I was, it had all been so very worth it!

Today I’ve definitely had the post show blues, as well as the emotion of it being 3 years today since my father passed away. It gets to me every year, which is understandable I suppose. I had hoped with time it would get easier, but it’s still just as emotional this year. I can’t believe where the time has gone to be honest. It seems to have flown by, and I still miss him just as much.

Today also is 81 days self harm free; what a way to celebrate the 80th day yesterday though! I’ve been told that I deserve a reward, but I’m not sure what, nor do I really have the funds available to actually reward myself with anyway! If anyone has any suggestions or would like to reward me then feel free lol!

Anyway, am still exhausted from yesterday, so going to take my meds and chillax now. So, until next time lovely people….

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June 27th – Nearly show time!!!

Hey folks,

Am a little excited today, as it’s show day tomorrow!! Am also quite nervous about it all, but fingers crossed it all goes smoothly and no overheating/fainting!! Can’t believe we’re doing 2 shows in one day, crazy stuff!! Have taken my earrings out already, just got to take my bracelets off in the morning. No jewellery allowed (except wedding/engagement rings); with Rock Choir we have a slick uniform, black trousers (or long skirt), with a black t-shirt/top with the logo on the front. When we’re all stood in a block it looks awesome! I remember a sea of black and stars when we went to the O2 last year, it was epic. About 300 of them are taking to the Cambridge Corn Exchange stage tomorrow, and it’s going to blow the socks off the audience! We’ve worked so hard and hope we put on the best show ever.

You can tell I’m excited as I’m just going on and on about it lol…

Have been to town today to get the last bits for my SSK (Show Survival Kit!), so far it consists of: Vocalzone lozenges, Dextro energy tabs, paracetamol, hayfever pills and bananas! Will add some other food and of course, the essential, water to it tomorrow morning. As well as make up, hair brush and another essential, deodorant! Performing under stage lights gets rather warm…

I’m sat here listening to my harmonies as I type and it just fills me with pride to be honest; to be part of something so awesome and it’s like my extended family. Have made so many friends through Rock Choir, and we always have a good time. If you like to sing then see if there’s one local to you; just go to the Rock Choir website (www.rockchoir.com). You can book a free taster session to see if you like it, then if you do, it’s £25 per month, but worth every single penny.

It’s a proven fact that singing together as a group, is great for depression and associated mental illnesses. It’s definitely a big part of my therapy, it’s very uplifting and has often brought me back up from my black hole for a while. It’s often exhausting, but in a good way! I’ve never been to a rehearsal and not come out of it smiling; I think it helps that our amazing leader has such infectious enthusiasm and energy, she really is like an energiser bunny and we wouldn’t be the choir that we are without her.

Right, I’m off to keep practising (although not singing too much, vocal rest and all that lol). It’s very unlikely that I’ll blog tomorrow as will be on the go from 10am, so will tell you all about it on Sunday no doubt. Until then lovely people….

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June 26th – Anxiety

Hey folks,

Bit of a catch up post tonight. Since my ‘meh’ post, things haven’t really changed much. Have felt really restless but so tired the last few days.

On Tuesday, I drove the car for the first time in over a year, and I can’t say I enjoyed it one bit. My anxiety was really high and I hated every minute behind the wheel. I was convinced that I was going to lose control or that the car behind me was going to run into the back of me. It was awful. I won’t be repeating that any time soon.

Tuesday evening was Rock Choir, which is always good. Last minute rehearsals for the show at the weekend. Am a little anxious about it, mostly because of the lack of energy. But hopefully my adrenaline will kick in and get me through it.

Wednesday I went to the money course; we learnt about energy efficiency and making money on the internet (eBay, Gumtree etc). It was good. The afternoon I slept away because I was so tired.

This morning I managed to get some housework done, but then went back to bed around 10am. Slept until around 12:30. It just feels like my body has been drained of all its energy and I just can’t get motivated to do anything. It is getting so frustrating. Its like being depressed but without the depression. Although its starting to pull me back down that way….

This afternoon I managed to get some drawing done and listened to some music. This evening the power went out, very randomly. So my husband and I went for a 3 mile walk to pass the time. Am absolutely wiped out now though, so won’t be long before I head to bed.

Got nothing planned for tomorrow, another lazy day probably. Ah well, until next time…..

June 23rd – Meh

Hey folks, 

feeling a little on the ”meh” side tonight; as I said yesterday I was going for an interview today. For a nanny job. It was all seemingly going so well, until the words ”some driving required” were factored into the equation. Of course at the time I said that it was fine, deep down knowing that it probably won’t be. The mere thought of driving sends shivers down my spine and anxiety coursing through me at a million miles an hour. That plus the fact that 2 doctors have told me that driving on my medication should be avoided. 

So, my dream job, so close within reach, but yet my damn condition is holding me back. I’d promised myself that I wouldn’t let it define me or let it ruin my life, but it seems to be already, after only almost 3 months of diagnosis. 

It’s frustrating to say the least. I feel like it’s robbed me of my independence and my chances of getting a job that I’ll enjoy. I’ve still got the agency, as well as a few other things to apply for, but nannying is what I love the most. Wish I could just live without medication, then life would be so much simpler, but I know that’s never going to happen.

Another reason for my ”meh” feeling, my poor mum had another fall today, so that’s got me worried. I’m hoping to go see her tomorrow, just to make sure she’s resting mostly! I know how stubborn she is, it’s where I get it from! I did say to her that perhaps she should get checked over, but I got the usual response of ”oh I’ll be alright!”. It’s an all too familiar phrase that I say, my husband says I’m one of the most stubborn women he knows! 

I guess being tired isn’t really helping either; I napped all afternoon, despite having changed my meds to the evenings now. Had hoped that’d sort things out with the sleepiness during the day… but I suppose it’ll take time to readjust, again. The rest won’t hurt though, need all I can get in preparation for the show at the weekend!! 

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to report for today, and as usual am tired and losing concentration to write! So, until next time… 

 

June 22nd – Published Again

Hey folks, 

Had a really lazy day today, didn’t go out much as it was scorching hot, but still managed to get sun burnt!! Ooopsy. 

Anyway, as the title says, I’m published again!! This time on The Recovery Letters blog! You can find my letter here. I’m really proud as it didn’t require any editing either! It’s nice to know my writing is getting out there and hopefully helping others too. I based it on the letter I wrote to myself (which I do read from time to time), and is filled with hope and positive thoughts. 

I like to get involved with things such as that blog, as I feel I can use my experiences to help others. Offering my support to people struggling, in turn helps me. If you radiate positivity you feel more positive yourself. I try to be as positive as I can, because there’s so much to be positive about in my life right now. I’ve got a great husband who is truly my rock and looks after me 24/7, great family and friends who support me and look out for me 100%, and despite a few financial issues, life is pretty good. 

When you start to look at what you do have, and appreciate those things, you realise that life isn’t that bad. I know how hard it is to see those things though, especially when depression is consuming you so much. It’s a wicked illness to have, and is truly relentless. But, it does get better. With the right help and medication, you can lead a normal, fulfilling life. I intend to embrace every single day and make the most of it. Even when those rough times happen, which they inevitably do, I know that they will pass and it’ll be okay again. Even if it’s a rough few days, I just keep thinking that it’s only temporary and I’ve just got to ride it out to the other side. Yes, sometimes it’s easier said than done, but as I’ve said before, I’m a fighter not a quitter. I know that everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. Life is worth fighting for and I will fight every day for the rest of my life. 

I’m getting very reflective these days aren’t I?! I suppose that’s a good thing. It’s better than the things I used to write about!! 

Today marks 74 days self harm free! When I get to 100 I intend to treat myself to something (if I can afford to!!), as that’ll be a huge milestone for me. I’m determined to make it that far though, and beyond that. 

I’m rapidly approaching another themed post in just over a week, although at the moment I’m not quite sure what it’ll be about! So far I have covered Self Harm and Bipolar. I’ll think of something, it’s giving me ideas now just writing this! Sometimes, I surprise myself. 

Tomorrow I have an interview for a nanny job, and I’m nervous already. I’ve just got to keep calm and be myself I guess… fingers crossed for me folks!! 

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to report for now, so until next time…. 

Go buy a ticket to The Choir That Rocks show!! (tickets can be purchased here

 

 

June 21st – Stay Strong

Hey folks,

Today has been a good, but exhausting day; a full on day of rehearsals for the Rock Choir show next weekend. I was really beginning to struggle towards the end, and since getting home the temptation to just get into bed and sleep is huge!! Between now and next Saturday I need to get as much rest and sleep as possible I think!! 

But, the show is going to be EPIC! 

I have a new bracelet, a little reward to myself for staying strong and not self harming:

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Today is 73 days!! It’s something I continue to be proud of, and here’s to the next 73 days and beyond!! 

I think that’s all I’ve got to report for today to be honest, other than Rock Choir I’ve not done anything else to write about. So I shall leave you with some positive quotes about recovery, and say until next time… 

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June 20th – Faith The Phoenix

Hey folks, 

Today has been an epic day! I finally got Faith the Phoenix finished, completing my mental health journey ink, and making me very emotional!! Here she is in all her gorgeous glory: 

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I also got this:

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It’s my little Green Day tribute, matching Billie Joe’s ink! I’ve called him Skully haha.

Love it all, and am so happy that Faith is now finished. It’s like she’s come to life on my arm and looks amazing! Very sore though.. but SO worth it! The finger ink I thought would hurt a lot, but really didn’t! Little bit sore now if I touch it, but otherwise all good. It’s been an epic road to get to this point, and my tattoo is a true reflection of how far I’ve come. 

I’m now currently listening to Rock Choir harmonies, ready for our full day of rehearsals tomorrow; going to be a long day! Excited about doing the show though, out biggest stage performance so far. We’ve also been told what we’re doing for the RC 10th birthday next year, and it’s going to be awesome! I’ll say more about that nearer the time! 

Rock Choir has definitely been a big part of my recovery; the getting together and singing really does have the feel good factor and I always come home from rehearsals in a good mood. I think out leaders infectious energy and enthusiasm rubs off on us all, and we always have a laugh. I’ve made so many friends through it and had some truly amazing experiences, such as singing with 16,000 other Rockies at the London O2 last year! An incredible experience that I won’t ever forget. Even more exciting things to look forward to in the future too. 

Right, time to focus on learning these lyrics and harmonies, so until next time… 

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