Today has been another low day unfortunately. Managed to get some housework done, but that’s about it. Spent most of my day moping on the sofa and thinking waaaaaaay too much.
I think I know what the root of everything may be, although am a little reluctant to talk about here just yet. Ah what the heck….
My biggest hang up right now, is that I want to be a mother. I have done for a good few years now, and it often upsets me when I see all my friends around me having kids. It probably sounds ridiculous to some, but that’s just how I feel. Trouble is, what scares me the most, is my Bipolar. I’m meant to have at least 6 months stable before considering trying for a baby, but I can’t seem to get through a month stable right now! Plus there’s my medication to consider as well; I can’t really be without it, but it does pose a risk to an unborn baby as well. So they’d either have to take me off it, or weigh up the risks of me staying on it. Or maybe even change it to something more safe in pregnancy, if there is such a thing…. it’s all so complicated now.
I’ve got so much raw emotion about it right now, and it does actually hurt. I didn’t realise how much it did to be honest. Until I saw another scan photo on Facebook today, and wished it was mine 😦
I’ve never been anything but honest in this blog, so I hope what I’ve said so far is a good reflection of how I feel. I’m kinda struggling with the words. It’s all in my head, but I just can’t seem to write it down very well. Hopefully you get the idea of what I’m trying to say.
I HATE being Bipolar. It makes my life so much more complicated and it gets me down so much. I often wonder why me? but then I feel bad, because there’s people a lot worse off than I. It’s just so hard sometimes, when all I want is a normal life, a family, and happiness. All I seem to get is bad luck, bad moods and unhappiness. Surely this year will be my year? I was hoping 2014 would be, but no such luck there. So this year has got to be, right?!
Being a mother seems to be all I can think about at the moment; roll on the 13th March, I can talk it over with my GP. Because I really don’t want to wait another 6 months.
That’s all from me for today, feeling really emotional now and need to get off the laptop before my head explodes. (Yes, another sodding headache!).
Take care, thanks for reading, stay strong, and until next time….
x Sara Phoenix x