28th February

Hey folks,

So another month down of 2015 already. It seems to be flying by! Another month survived in my case! I’ve fought some battles along the way, but am still here to tell my tale as they say.

I’ve just gotten back from a meal out, that was amazing!! We went to a restaurant called Miller and Carter; a steakhouse. It was the BEST steak I’ve ever tasted! Cooked to perfection, and melts in the mouth. Followed by the nicest chocolate brownie and ice cream! Amazing doesn’t even come close! This photo isn’t of my meal, but very similar:

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The restaurant itself was lovely, and the staff were great.

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Today has been a good day 🙂

This morning I went to town to get a Nano SIM for my iPhone 5, and then met hubby when he finished work to go do a food shop. Oh the rock ‘n’ roll life I lead haha. After that we just chilled out and I set up my phone, until our friend came to take us out for the meal.

My mood has been fairly good all day to be honest; the best it’s been all week. Long may it continue!!

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Smiley me, yay!

Anyway, I’m off to relax with the hubs and get an early night; am shattered.

Thanks for reading folks, take care and stay strong, until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

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Begin To Live In The Moment

Positive Outlooks Blog

An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born. — Unknown

Man walking at sunset


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27th February

Hey folks,

So today was CBT day; and what an intense session it was too! We were talking about my phobia of sick (Emetephobia). R said that it sounds like it all stems from a fear of dying, because when she asked me why I was so scared about being sick, my response was “I might choke and die”. I’d never really thought about it like that before to be honest; have always put it down to when I had food poisoning, and felt like I was dying! But now she’s said that, I can totally understand it. Which is a weird feeling. We’re going to work on it more next week, and in the meantime she’s sent me some fact sheets about the ‘Fight or flight response’ or ‘Threat system’, mindfulness and progressive muscle relaxation. We also spoke about how this phobia links in with my OCD. It’s interesting to learn about it from an outsiders perspective. R put it down like this:
Trigger: Dirty hands -> Impulse: Must wash hands/use hand gel -> Sensations: Panic/shaking/feeling sick. 
All because I have a fear of getting sick/being sick. It sounds irrational, because it is! But I’m learning ways to get around it, or rather work with it, so that it doesn’t control me so much.

In the ‘Threat system’ fact sheet it describes it as this:

The ‘fight or flight’ response gets the body ready to fight or run away. Once a threat is detected your body responds automatically. All of the changes happen for good reasons, but may be experienced as uncomfortable when they happen in ‘safe’ situations.

It then lists the physical sensations that we feel and what happens in our bodies:

  • Racing thoughts
  • Changes to vision
  • Dry mouth
  • Heart beats faster
  • Breathing becomes quicker or shallower
  • Feel dizzy or light-headed
  • Adrenal glands release adrenaline
  • Bladder urgency
  • Palms become sweaty
  • Hands get cold
  • Muscles tense up

I’ve encountered all of those. It’s not nice.

The PMR sheet goes through a relaxation sequence, where you tense then release each muscle.

One of the body’s reactions to fear and anxiety is muscle tension. This can result in feeling “tense”, or relaxation can lead to muscle aches and pains, as well as leaving some people feeling exhausted. Think about how you respond to anxiety. Do you “tense up” when you’re feeling anxious? Muscle relaxation can be particularly helpful in cases where anxiety is especially associated to muscle tension. This information sheet will guide you through a common form of relaxation designed to reduce muscle tension.

It all sounds simple enough, so will give it a go and see how I get on.

In other news…. I took delivery of a shiny new iPhone 5 today! A lovely, and very generous, good friend of mine bought it for me as a belated birthday present. The 4 is good, but it’s very slow and old haha! Looking forward to getting the 5 set up tomorrow 🙂

Mood wise I’ve not been as low today; so hopefully things are improving. Still stressed up to the eyeballs about money, but then that’s nothing new! We’ll manage somehow, we always do.

That’s all from me for today, still suffering with headaches so starting at a laptop screen often doesn’t help matters! Can’t wait to see my doc on the 13th March.

Thanks for reading folks, means heaps as always! Take care, stay strong, until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

26th February

Hey folks,

Today has been another low day unfortunately. Managed to get some housework done, but that’s about it. Spent most of my day moping on the sofa and thinking waaaaaaay too much.

I think I know what the root of everything may be, although am a little reluctant to talk about here just yet. Ah what the heck….

My biggest hang up right now, is that I want to be a mother. I have done for a good few years now, and it often upsets me when I see all my friends around me having kids. It probably sounds ridiculous to some, but that’s just how I feel. Trouble is, what scares me the most, is my Bipolar. I’m meant to have at least 6 months stable before considering trying for a baby, but I can’t seem to get through a month stable right now! Plus there’s my medication to consider as well; I can’t really be without it, but it does pose a risk to an unborn baby as well. So they’d either have to take me off it, or weigh up the risks of me staying on it. Or maybe even change it to something more safe in pregnancy, if there is such a thing…. it’s all so complicated now.

I’ve got so much raw emotion about it right now, and it does actually hurt. I didn’t realise how much it did to be honest. Until I saw another scan photo on Facebook today, and wished it was mine 😦

I’ve never been anything but honest in this blog, so I hope what I’ve said so far is a good reflection of how I feel. I’m kinda struggling with the words. It’s all in my head, but I just can’t seem to write it down very well. Hopefully you get the idea of what I’m trying to say.

I HATE being Bipolar. It makes my life so much more complicated and it gets me down so much. I often wonder why me? but then I feel bad, because there’s people a lot worse off than I. It’s just so hard sometimes, when all I want is a normal life, a family, and happiness. All I seem to get is bad luck, bad moods and unhappiness. Surely this year will be my year? I was hoping 2014 would be, but no such luck there. So this year has got to be, right?!

Being a mother seems to be all I can think about at the moment; roll on the 13th March, I can talk it over with my GP. Because I really don’t want to wait another 6 months.

That’s all from me for today, feeling really emotional now and need to get off the laptop before my head explodes. (Yes, another sodding headache!).

Take care, thanks for reading, stay strong, and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

25th February

Hey folks,

Today hasn’t been so bad; I actually woke up without a headache for the first time in 10 days! Great I thought…. then I decided to go for a walk, and it brought on a headache! What the hell?! I thought exercise was meant to be good for you!

Aside from that, my moods still been pretty low. No motivation or energy, and just generally fed up. I’m trying to think positively, and look on the bright side of things, but it’s just not working. I don’t know what’s up with me at the moment. I just can’t seem to shake the blues that have taken over me. It’s getting annoying now. All I want to do is sleep all the time!

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I thought it was just because I’ve been unwell physically, but I’m beginning to think it’s the other way around. I’m unwell physically because I’m depressed. Again. And it sucks.

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I’m thinking about booking in to see my GP again; tell him how I’m feeling and see what he says. It’s almost like the medication just isn’t working for me any more, or barely at least. I feel like I’m just existing, not living. I’m trapped in a little bubble of misery and I can’t find a needle to pop it. Etc etc. I could go on with analogies all night, but what’s the point? I think you get the general idea. I feel crappy and I don’t know what to do about it. I try to keep smiling and putting a brave face on it all, but I’m just getting tired of doing that now. It’s a lot easier said than done.

I’m meant to be starting a new workout on Monday, but right now even a walk today was hard work. I’ve just got no zest for doing anything right now. It’s a horrible feeling and I really wish it’d go away now. I’ll push myself to keep going, like I always do, but it’s hard. And it’s getting harder every day.

Doctors appointment is booked. 13th March. I can’t go on like this….

Anyway, that’s all from me for tonight, my head is pounding and it’s beginning to affect my vision 😦

Take care everyone, stay strong, and thanks for reading as always. Until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

24th February

Hey folks,

Another day, another headache. This time felt different though, more fuzzy and kinda empty feeling in my head. Felt strange, but I wasn’t in so much pain. Notice the wasn’t part…. it’s back now and hurting a fair bit. I’m also running a bit of a temperature. Oh the joys of being me right now!

Have had a really lazy day though, just watching TV and sleeping. So I’m doing as I’m told and resting. Makes a change for me! I’m not really good at doing what I’m told to, I’m too much of a rebel haha. But with this I have no choice, I can’t physically do much without feeling terrible, so I have to be good and rest.

Mood wise I’m still pretty low and fed up with it all. Had to miss Rock Choir again tonight, for a couple reasons, but it really sucks. I think it would have done me good and been the pick me up tonic that I needed. Ah well, fingers crossed for next week.

I was reading another blog (Ashkaay‘s) earlier on, about fathers. And it got me thinking about my dear dad. This blog post I was reading was saying how any man can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a dad. In my case this is so true. You see, my dad, was in actual fact, my grand father. But he brought me up as his own daughter when my biological father walked out when I was 6 weeks old. Him and my grand mother looked after me while my mother went back to work. My grand father was always known as dad to me, and always will be. My biological father, wherever he may be right now, was a coward and left. My grand father stepped up and took over the responsibility, and I’ll forever be grateful and thankful that he did. I miss him dearly, and would give anything for just one more day with him. I know that I can’t though, and that hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever truly be over the loss of him, and perhaps that’s not such a bad thing. I live each day and try to do things that would make him proud. I know he’s watching over me every day, and sometimes, I like to believe anyway, he sends me little signs letting me know he’s with me.

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Tears

Anyway, enough from me for today, my heads pounding!

Take care one and all, and thanks for reading as always. Stay strong, until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

23rd February

Hey folks,

Well I’m still suffering terribly with headaches 😦 it’s really getting me down now. I saw a doctor this morning, who said my blood pressure was up, so that could be partly the cause. She also said that it was most likely a tension headache or viral thing. As I predicted! Biggest problem is there’s no other painkillers that I can take, other than Paracetamol. Due to my other medication I can’t take anti-inflammatory ones like Ibuprofen, and because I’m allergic I can’t take Codeine. She also said that I could have prolonged the headaches by taking so much Paracetamol! What the hell?! So she’s told me to lay of it for a couple of days and see if things settle down. Currently I’m in a lot of pain and feeling terribly sick with it.

So other than the doctors trip and some light housework, I’ve done diddely squat today. As I’ve been told to rest and avoid stress! Easier said than done!!!! But I’m trying to rest as much as possible.

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If only it was here that I was resting….

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Feeling really low and depressed with it all now.

This….

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….is how I feel today.

Being ill sucks, and I’m getting really fed up with it now. The day I wake up with no headache will be a great day!!

Anyway, that’s all from me for today, sorry I’m too poorly to stare at this laptop screen much longer 😦

Thanks for reading as always, take care and stay strong, until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x