Been a while again I know, sorry.
Have been a little up and down lately, and not really had a lot to write about. However, today marks something pretty epic for me:
50 DAYS SELF HARM FREE!!
I’m really proud of myself for this too; I made it to around 55 days last time, so I’m a little anxious that a fall is coming, but I’m determined to try and stay strong. I want to make it to the next 50th day (well, 100 days total!), and beyond! I do feel more confident about it this time, more so than I’ve ever done before. It’s an odd feeling for me, as it’s always been my biggest weakness.
Now though, I look at my scars and it upsets me that I’ve done that to myself. I wouldn’t say I’m ashamed of them, as they’re a part of me and shows the battles that I’ve fought and inevitably won; but at the same time, I’m embarrassed when people see them. I always wonder what they’re thinking of me and if they’re judging me because of them. I suppose in time, as they fade I’ll get over that feeling. The ones on my legs won’t ever been seen by anyone but me and my husband (and potentially doctors/nurses).
Self harm is a really hard thing for people to understand; if you’ve never been there yourself, it’s impossible to truly understand it. It’s hard for people like me, to describe to others how it feels or what it’s like to feel that harming yourself is your only option to deal with the internal war and pain going on inside of you. My next themed topic post will be on June 1st and will be about self harm.
In other news, I’ve managed to get a grip on our debts now; payment plans have been set up, and as long as we stick to them we’ll be okay. No more threats of the electricity being cut off or being taken to court. It’s a relief to be honest, as it feels like we’re finally getting back on top of things. I always get nervous in these situations though, as it never seems to last long. Everything crossed that it does this time!! I’ve had enough stress and worry over the past few months, to last me a lifetime!
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this as yet, but tomorrow I start a cleaning job; it’s fortnightly for 3 hours at £9.50 an hour. Tomorrow is a trial clean to see how things go, so hopefully it’ll go well and at least it’s a little bit of an income. I’m going to put the money in a jar and save to get my tattoo finished. I really feel that I’ve accomplished so much and have come so far, and it’s the right time to get the colour put into it. I’ve worked out that I’ll have to work 5 weeks to get enough for it, but I’m willing to do so. It may happen sooner with my money from my seasonal job and hopefully the agency job as well. I really want to get my guitar sold, then it’ll bulk up the money faster! I sold a lot of things on eBay, but ended up using most of that to pay bills or buy food! This time, the cleaning money is most definitely mine for my tattoo. May even make a special jar with “Tattoo Fund” on it! If I can quit smoking too then I’ll put £5 in every time I’d normally buy cigarettes.
Speaking of which, we’re looking into eCigs; apparently they’re really effective for quitting smoking, so fingers crossed. I’d love to quit fully, but I know that I’m not in the right place for that just yet.
I’ve still been doing Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 workout; So far I’ve done 5 days of Week 1, and 4 days of Week 2; it’s brutal! It makes the 30 Day Shred seem like a breeze in comparison! I couldn’t face doing it today as haven’t been very well, struggled with it yesterday, so decided to go for a 3 mile walk today instead. My legs really do ache, well my whole body does to be honest. I think I’m battling a cold/virus kinda thing. Fun!
Anyway, I think that’s all for today, so until next time….