Struggling a bit tonight, not quite sure why though. There’s nothing obvious that has triggered it. Just feeling really low and very unmotivated. Dreading work tomorrow for no reason. It’s normally okay when I get there, so I have no reason to dread it. I just get so exhausted and it really bugs me. I hate not having ‘life’ in me to just be normal.
I know there is no definition of ‘normal’, but most people can manage a job. I don’t seem to be able to. Keep getting the urge to quit! When I eventually see my Psychiatrist I will mention it to her, as the lows are getting more frequent again. I was okay for so long, so I suppose it is kind of inevitable. Annoying though.
One thing on my mind that I wish wasn’t, is my ex brother. I hate calling him that but don’t know how else to say who it is. I don’t know why but have been missing him a lot lately. And hating myself for doing so. After the way he was with me he doesn’t deserve to be even thought about, let alone missed. I still want to hate him, but I just can’t bring myself to. I suppose a part of me still loves him deep down. Probably always will. It’s only now I can admit that to be honest. So many times I’ve blogged saying I was putting it all to bed and moving on, but I just can’t seem to. I try and I try, but something always triggers a memory and I obsessively think about it all. What I did/said, how we hurt each other in the midst of anger and upset. I wish he realised that none of it was conscious thought. But no, he 100% believes that I knew what I was doing. Oh how I wish I had known. Then I could have stopped it. But Psychosis doesn’t work like that. I was lost and absorbed in it all and didn’t have a clue. I do hate him in that respect, for totally blaming me for it. Saying how it was 2 years of stress and upset. Completely neglecting the good times and laughs, those times clearly meant nothing to him. But as a person, I can’t hate him. I do dislike him though, which is natural I guess.
Talking about it all again just fills me with sadness and to a point, bitterness too. His closed mindedness really bugs me. He knows that if the roles had been reversed I would have stuck by him no matter what. I always had, through some really rough times that he had. But I guess we can’t all be good friends to people. Maybe I’m just too nice and should be more of a bitch.
But then I think, what would be the point of being a bitch? So many people love me for who i naturally am, seriously wonder why, but to them I am good enough just as I am. So why change.
Ugh, I really don’t know what my problem is at the moment. Just feels like life is so overwhelming right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it all. The only way I truly can is 1 day at a time. There’s no other way to do it. Small steps and hopefully it’ll pass and I’ll be okay again. Fingers crossed.
I think that’s enough rambling for tonight, off to lose myself in music for a while. Until next time…..