July 27th – Sunday Eve Blues

Hey folks,

Struggling a bit tonight, not quite sure why though. There’s nothing obvious that has triggered it. Just feeling really low and very unmotivated. Dreading work tomorrow for no reason. It’s normally okay when I get there, so I have no reason to dread it. I just get so exhausted and it really bugs me. I hate not having ‘life’ in me to just be normal.

I know there is no definition of ‘normal’, but most people can manage a job. I don’t seem to be able to. Keep getting the urge to quit! When I eventually see my Psychiatrist I will mention it to her, as the lows are getting more frequent again. I was okay for so long, so I suppose it is kind of inevitable. Annoying though.

One thing on my mind that I wish wasn’t, is my ex brother. I hate calling him that but don’t know how else to say who it is. I don’t know why but have been missing him a lot lately. And hating myself for doing so. After the way he was with me he doesn’t deserve to be even thought about, let alone missed. I still want to hate him, but I just can’t bring myself to. I suppose a part of me still loves him deep down. Probably always will. It’s only now I can admit that to be honest. So many times I’ve blogged saying I was putting it all to bed and moving on, but I just can’t seem to. I try and I try, but something always triggers a memory and I obsessively think about it all. What I did/said, how we hurt each other in the midst of anger and upset. I wish he realised that none of it was conscious thought. But no, he 100% believes that I knew what I was doing. Oh how I wish I had known. Then I could have stopped it. But Psychosis doesn’t work like that. I was lost and absorbed in it all and didn’t have a clue. I do hate him in that respect, for totally blaming me for it. Saying how it was 2 years of stress and upset. Completely neglecting the good times and laughs, those times clearly meant nothing to him. But as a person, I can’t hate him. I do dislike him though, which is natural I guess.

Talking about it all again just fills me with sadness and to a point, bitterness too. His closed mindedness really bugs me. He knows that if the roles had been reversed I would have stuck by him no matter what. I always had, through some really rough times that he had. But I guess we can’t all be good friends to people. Maybe I’m just too nice and should be more of a bitch.

But then I think, what would be the point of being a bitch? So many people love me for who i naturally am, seriously wonder why, but to them I am good enough just as I am. So why change.

Ugh, I really don’t know what my problem is at the moment. Just feels like life is so overwhelming right now and I’m not sure how to deal with it all. The only way I truly can is 1 day at a time. There’s no other way to do it. Small steps and hopefully it’ll pass and I’ll be okay again. Fingers crossed.

I think that’s enough rambling for tonight, off to lose myself in music for a while. Until next time…..

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July 26th – Retail Therapy and Batman

Hey folks,

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had a really low day. It really snuck up on me and hit me hard. Somehow I managed to get myself in to work and battled through the day, with a fake smile on my face. I think it slipped at one point, because I was asked if I was okay; I just said I was tired. Which was true. Just there was a lot more to it deep down. By the end of the day I just felt like curling up in bed and staying there forever.

Luckily, when I woke up this morning, I felt chirpier. Not 100%, but better than yesterday. As it was payday for both hubby and I yesterday, we decided to go shopping and treat ourselves for once. Something we’ve not been able to do for a long time. I can’t even remember when we last did that. So it was nice to see something I liked and just buy it. Didn’t spend loads, but got a few nice tops and other things. Also, saw Batman outside Forbidden Planet (a shop for those who don’t know!). They had the car and it was really cool to see. Today is the 75th birthday of Batman.

I wish I knew where the low mood came from; perhaps it was just exhaustion. Am glad it was only short lived though. Retail therapy has definitely helped today. Was nice to spend time with my hubby too. Screwed up the diet with a Burger King, but its been so hot and we walked a lot it shouldn’t be too bad! Hoping to go for a walk tomorrow too.

I’ll leave you with a photo from today!
Until next time….

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July 24th – Been a while….

Hey folks,

Just thought I’d check in and let you all know I’m still here lol.

Not really much to report to be honest, just been working and chilling in between. There has been the mention of the possibility of making me full time at work….not sure how I’ll cope with that though, so have said I’m happy as I am for now. Maybe when my fixed term is up, if they offer me it then, I will probably take it. But three days is enough for me at the moment. It is exhausting, but ultimately rewarding. I think if I take on more, it would be too much. I don’t want to burn myself out.  I do enjoy working there though.

In other news, I am now 106 days self harm free!!!!! Everyday feels more epic, and I’m really proud of myself for getting this far. I feel that I have really accomplished something, and I have no intention of self harming now or in the future. It has taken me a long time to be able to say that. It has always been something that I have struggled with. To have come this far, is a big thing for me. My journey to hell and back has really shown me just how much strength I have. I never realised what I was capable of.

At present, I am testing out the voice recognition on my tablet. So I’m actually speaking my blog rather than typing it. It probably makes me sound mad to anyone passing by!! It is frustrating though because it makes a lot of grammatical errors, so if you see any, just blame google!!

Back to typing now to draw this to a close. Sorry its so brief, but everything is going okay at the moment. Off to do some housework, oh yay lol. Until next time folks…..

July 18th – Amazeballs

Hey folks, 

A rather random title I know, but it sums things up quite nicely! 

I am very proud of myself today; First off I want to announce that today is….. 

100-fireworks…days self harm free!!!! 

An incredible accomplishment and here’s to the next 100!! (Already counting down lol!)

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A big thank you to my bestie too, for buying me Demi Lovato’s album! I have some simply awesome friends!! 

Secondly, I received a letter today, telling me that the poem I entered into The Great British Write Off competition, has been selected to be published in a book!! Due for release on 31st October! I’m going to be a published author!!!!!! How exciting is that?! I think I must have read the letter a dozen times already, still feels a bit surreal! I think I’ve posted it before in my blog, but here is the poem: 

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And thirdly what I’m proud of is, making it through a full week, well my 3 full days, at work! It’s been hard, I’ll admit that! Utterly exhausting, but ultimately good. I’ve enjoyed it and hopefully the anxiety is easing a little. Still get a bit uptight when someone mentions sick, but so far so good. If it happens then it happens, it’s something I can’t control so I need to try and stop worrying so much about it. Today I got to spend some time in the babies room, so except for one room, I’ve worked in them all now. I am glad it’s the weekend now though!! 

I think that’s all I have to report for today really, 3 pretty big things to me though! I’m definitely proud of myself for all 3 of them; it finally feels like I have a grip on life and I’m winning. 

Thanks for reading as always lovely people, until next time…. 

July 14th – Fears

Hey folks,

This is a very sleepy post; work has knackered me. And I’m back for more tomorrow.

My biggest fears are coming to life though, as there’s a sick bug going round work and I’m terrified of getting it. Really hoping I don’t. It really is freaking me out though. Have started taking vitamins again, eating more fruit and drinking lots of water. Hoping its enough to keep it away from me.

I was in a different room again today, and to be honest it wasn’t too great. Felt really awkward and when I left I felt the thank you for your help comment was a little sarcastic. Oh well, back in my normal room tomorrow and hopefully I won’t get moved.

I also saw my GP this afternoon, who was delighted to hear I’m back in work and doing well. He’s also got the picture I painted on his wall, so that felt good. I discussed with him the side effects of my medication, as I’m constantly exhausted and nauseous. He advised me to take the meds with my dinner, rather than before bed. So I’m trying that to a few days. Fingers crossed.

Today is day 96 self harm free!!!! Its the one thing I feel in control of at the moment. Everything else, not so much.

I need to try harder to let go of the anxieties, but it feels impossible at the moment. The mere mention of a temperature or sick sends panic coursing through me. I hate it. Feel so pathetic. I wish I was stronger and more relaxed about it, I really do. Even typing this is making me feel terrible. Right, enough!! If it happens it happens, right?! Hmm….

I don’t think there is much else to write about today so I will leave it there. So damn tired!! Until next time then folks…

July 13th – Harry Potter

Hey folks,

Bit of a random post today, as not done much at all. Had a lovely lie in again (needed the sleep!), and relaxed all day at home.

The title of this post may have got you wondering why I’m talking about Harry Potter! Well, as some of you who know me personally, one of my favourite things to do is read. But whilst I was at the worst of my illness and during the settling in period with my medication, my concentration to read was non-existent. This frustrated me, as there was nothing more I wanted to do, than to lose myself in another world in a book, and forget about reality for a while. I could never manage more than a page of a book though, and even then I’d not recall what I’d read!

Now, I can read again! Sounds daft probably, but it’s made me so happy! I’ve started reading the Harry Potter series again, and so far I finished The Philosophers Stone in a week and am on to The Chamber of Secrets. Started that today and am half way through already! I love getting lost in the story and shutting out the stresses of life for a while. Even on my lunch breaks from work I tend to read a chapter, it’s a good way for me to relax.

Anyway, that’s enough random rambling about books!

Today marks 95 days self harm free! Totally loving watching the numbers keep going up, and every day I’m more proud of myself and feeling more confident that it’s something I can add to my list of things I’ve overcome and won! I look at my scars and think of the semi-colon project. Which states that a scar shows that my story isn’t over yet. I faced a challenge and won. Yes I may have cut, but never deep enough to end my story. Something inside of me was holding on and staying strong for the future. The future that I’m now living because I’m still here to tell my story.

Another thing I’m enjoying at the moment, with my new found concentration, is making loom bands. A tad childish perhaps, but I love them! I currently have a collection of 7 on my arm, and a couple of them have specific meanings (based on their colours). I have a purple and black for Cystic Fibrosis; and a green and white for mental illness. I’ve also made some for other people, and have found it to be a very relaxing hobby, with a sense of achievement as well. I know of some people that use it as a distraction technique for self harm too, which I think is great!

So the weekend is almost over and a working week begins tomorrow. I’m quite excited at the thought of starting my job properly, on my full hours, in my regular designated room. I can really start to get to know the other members of staff and the children. I’m due to do some induction with my manager this week as well, so that’ll be good. Of course there is still some element of anxiety within me at the moment, but I’m hoping it’ll ease with time. I am totally capable of doing the job, and of doing it well (eek, that makes me sound quite big headed…!). I’m determined to make it a success and be a good asset to the team.

I’m a little sad that we’re now on summer holidays from Rock Choir though; it’s going to feel weird this week not going to my usual Tuesday night session, but with work on that day perhaps it’s a blessing at this point! By the time we go back I should be well into a routine with it, and hopefully not feeling so exhausted by it at the end of the day!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP in the afternoon, and I’ll be going in my work uniform; I feel very proud that it’s something new I can tell him about and I’m sure he’ll be impressed with how well I’m doing. I know I am! I still think back to a year ago, when everything was beginning to fall apart. I’ve definitely come a long, long, way since then. I’m proud of every day I get through with a smile on my face. Last week I did have a couple of down days, I’ll admit that. But I think that was in part due to the anxiety of my new job, and then the exhaustion of doing a shift. Now that I’ve caught up on a bit of sleep I’m feeling much better and ready to face a new week.

Right am off for some strawberries and ice-cream and to chill with my hubby. Watching Despicable Me 2! So, until next time folks….

July 12th – Full Moon

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Hey folks,

Today is supposedly a full moon, so in the spirit of that, I am releasing ‘what doesn’t serve me’. 

Firstly, my negativity about my job; I can do, I’ve proven that to myself twice now, so I’m embracing the unknown and am determined to enjoy it and make it work for me. Yesterday was a good day, although exhausting of course, but it went well. For my second day I started feeling more part of the team. At some points I felt like a spare part still, but as time goes on and I get to know routines and where things are, that should lessen. I’ll be able to do other things and it’ll be less sitting around just observing, and more actual working. Hopefully the manager will get my induction done next week as she said she would, so that’ll help. Learning more about the nursery and how it all works will be good. Also, she’ll probably get my CRB/DBS check done as well, so that’ll mean full responsibilities like nappies and taking children to the toilet. Not the most appealing side of things, but it comes as part of the role, and in all fairness I need to get doing it sooner rather than later. I often feel like I’m being lazy having to let the other girls do it, I know they’re aware that I’m not allowed to at present, but I still feel bad sometimes.

I also was thinking back to previous times working in nurseries, and realising I’ve been sicked on before and been okay. I need to get into the mind-set of ‘if it happens, it happens’ and ‘it’s just a hazard of my job’; as well as ‘the good outweighs the bad’. If I can focus on those three things, and just relax into it, I should be okay. It’s still early days, so I think that’s playing a part in the anxiety of it. Having worked in nurseries before, one of which for well over a year, I know I can do the job and I can do it well. I remember my NVQ assessor saying “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good at this job, because you are and you do it well.”. At the time I was having issues with other staff members picking on my abilities and it was getting me down.

I need to remember that I got this job on my own merit, with my own personality and experience. Obviously my qualifications help, but none of my certificates have been seen as yet, and no references have been requested for me. I’m being given the benefit of the doubt in a way, and I need to prove myself and my abilities. So far all I’ve had is positive feedback on how I’m doing, and both the manager and deputy manager are happy to have me on board. So, I need to focus on the positives, let go of the negatives, and just enjoy the job and the fact that I’m now earning.

Wow, that was a big first one… but there is a second.

Something that I’ve not spoken about for a while, but that has been playing on my mind a little lately. The voices, my ex brother, and just generally the events of the last year before I got help. The guilt for it all still bothers me, and I feel it’s time to let it go.

There’s nothing I can do to change things, those who stuck by me understand that it was beyond my control and part of my illness, and those that have turned their backs on me don’t deserve to be a part of my life anyway. It’s their loss, not mine. Of course really I’m only talking about one person in particular, because I’m lucky and feel totally blessed, to have so many understanding people still in my life despite what happened. It’s time to truly release all the emotions that went with that time in my life, and move on from it once and for all. I’m not that person anymore, and my disorder is now under control with medication. I too am more in control and stronger than I was before, so nothing like that should ever occur again. If, and it’s a big if, it were to then knowing what I know now about my disorder, I can get it nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. So I can leave it all behind me now and make the most of the now and look forward to the future.

Today has been a really chilled out day, so am feeling pretty good. Didn’t get up until around 12noon, so had plenty of sleep! Feeling a lot more awake and with it because of that. The weathers been lovely and sunny and I have a smile on my face. Also, writing in my positives book that today is day 94 self harm free also put a big smile on my face and filled me with pride. Have already decided that I’m getting a tattoo to mark 100 days, and possibly 150 days. Then at 200 days I’m buying a domain name for my blog and making it officially my own.

Anyway, slightly shakey now so it’s time for some food!! then later I’ll look at the full moon, take a deep breath in, and as I release the breath I’ll then release all of the above emotions and anxieties with it (hopefully…). Keep your fingers crossed folks, today is MY day and I’m determined to let it all go once and for all….

Until next time….