Hello again! 2 posts in 1 day…
So, I’ve made it to today, hurrah!! Well, not really a reason for celebration as it’s been a really crappy day. When I woke up for some reason in the back of my mind I knew something was going to go wrong somewhere. I just didn’t know when or where. It was a feeling I couldn’t shift either, felt really fed up and easily stressed out.
Of course being a Wednesday meant that it was another trip to hospital for session 2 of CBT. This in itself was making me anxious because it’s such an effort to get myself there on the bus without having a meltdown; as well as interacting with people and trying to concentrate on what the therapists talk to us about.
Anyway, I’ll start at the beginning of the day… it was Day 16 Smokefree… until around 9:30am. For some reason I got so worked up and just couldn’t calm
myself down at all; was waiting at the bus stop and the bus was running late, this made me worry I was going to be late to hospital (which of course they
understand, but to me it stresses me!), and then someone came and stood behind me smoking. I couldn’t take it anymore and went and bought a pack of 10 cigarettes and a lighter and smoked one. Did it make me feel better/calmer? No, not really; just felt like a complete and utter failure! But at the same time I just wanted to sit down, cry and smoke the whole pack!! Ridiculous I know. Then the bus came, so obviously it was just the 1 cigarette at the time. Changed buses at Addenbrookes and had to wait 20 minutes for the bus as I’d missed the earlier one thanks to the 7 being late! The site is now totally smokefree, so it stopped me smoking there, but the more I thought about it (and of course having them in my pocket didn’t help!) the more I wanted to smoke more. Almost to punish myself in a way I think, as the first had made me feel sick and my lungs hurt! I felt that I’d totally screwed it all up and just wanted to smoke myself into… well, I don’t really know! The stress of the time ticking by and my hospital appointment time getting closer and no bus in sight wasn’t helping!! Eventually the bus came and we were on route. The whole way there I was constantly holding the cigarettes in my pocket, knowing that as soon as I got off I’d be having a smoke before I went into the hospital. I was messaging a friend at the time who was trying to help me through the crazy rollercoaster of emotions that I was feeling! Guilt, regret, upset, disappointment in myself…etc etc!! It was nice to have someone there to lean on a bit, especially as she’s gone through very similar experiences
to myself, including quitting smoking! To talk to her felt like a relief really, as she was reassuring me that it wasn’t a total failure, just a bump in the road, which was inevitable! So many people keep telling me that perhaps I’m trying to take on too much all at once, and maybe I am, I don’t know. I’m just going a day at a time and hoping really. So far that hasn’t gone so well, but it’s the only way I can do it for now.
I’ve also eaten far too many bad things today!! But, again I’m going to give myself a break. The image below was my thoughts on it yesterday… So am trying to focus on what I said and try and not be hard on myself!
At the end of the day, I’m only human, I’m going to make mistakes, life doesn’t come with instructions!! I’ve made some big steps recently, so I still have a reason to be proud, even though I do find it hard. Every time something goes wrong (eg the SH or smoking) I instantly class myself as a failure and beat myself up about it more than is necessary. I know I can overcome both things, as I did over 10 weeks without cutting, and 16 days without smoking. 2 very big achievements for me in retrospect! Just because I’ve stumbled a little on both doesn’t eradicate what I’ve achieved already, it’s just something to try and put behind me, learn and move on from. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to do things better or at least try to. Putting too much pressure on myself isn’t going to get me anywhere though, so I’m going to attempt to go easy on myself when things go wrong. I can’t expect every day to be perfect and go without a hitch, that’s unrealistic!
From today I’m taking the negatives in my stride and trying to get some sort of positive out of them… Regarding the smoking.. Okay so I smoked. I’ve been a smoker on and off for around 13 or more years, it’s never going to be an easy thing to quit; but at least I only bought a pack of 10 and not 20. It hasn’t destroyed the 16 day’s I managed to not smoke for (aside from the obvious health effects and nicotine intake…), But it doesn’t mean tomorrow can’t be day 1 again, and this time aim for 16 days and beyond right?!
As far as the naughty eating is concerned, once again I need to cut myself some slack and go get weighed tomorrow evening, see what it says, if I gain (which I think is most probable!) then I’ll just deal with it, draw a line under this week and start fresh on Friday. I know how to lose weight in a sensible way, so I don’t need to stress about something I can fix in the long run.
Apologies if I’ve repeated myself anywhere in this post, am exhausted and finding it hard to focus now! CBT always takes it out of me!! That’s another positive I can take from today, that I made it to the session and got through it too. Admittedly I was held back afterwards by one of the therapists because of my risk assessment form. But it was useful in a way to get that 1-1 chat as well. That option is always there for any of us in the group if we need it too, which is reassuring. Today’s session we reviewed our homework from last week and I was honest when I was asked to feedback to the group and said that the task made me angry and emotional but I got it done and hoped that it’d help in time; and then we moved on to this weeks topic of the ‘Maintenance Cycle’. This is basically identifying our triggers and the emotions/feelings/behaviours they lead to. Looking at experiences in the past, how they made us feel then and now and the impact it had/has on us. It’s our homework task for this week to complete one (or more); to be honest I’m worried about delving into my feelings again and making myself feel worse by thinking so much, but I know in the long run I’ve got to do it. I was told today though that all of this needs to be at my own pace and if I don’t feel ready to tackle a certain task then that’s okay. So we shall see…
I’m going to leave it there I think, have a banging headache and just want to chill out before going to bed. I will try and post daily again, but I’m not going to promise as every day is different.
So, I shall say until next time for now…
x Sara Phoenix x