September 30th – Another month ends

Hey folks,

I am shattered!

Work was quiet for the most part but there was some really busy points where it was frantic! I also started answering the phone and did my first tannoy announcement! That was really scary, but it went really well. I’m hoping as my confidence grows it won’t be as daunting.

I’ve picked up the till work quite quickly and am left to get on with it now. Can always ask for help if I need it though. All the people I’ve met so far are really friendly, and I’m getting on okay with them.

Tonight was Rock Choir; started a really nice song, but quite honestly it has finished me off for today! So very tired it is unreal. I think its the travelling on top of working that’s doing it. Hopefully I’ll get used to it in time.

Mood wise I’m doing good. Upbeat and happy 🙂 I’m enjoying my new job and I like how every day is different. I needed new challenges and this job definitely has brought them!

As we end September, I finish it on 174 days self harm free!! So all is good on that front and am continuously proud of myself for it.

Right am calling it a night for today, just thought I’d check in with you all and let you know how its all going! Thanks for reading, until next time….

September 29th – First day

Hey folks, 

Happy to report I survived my first day at the new job! Everything seems straight forward enough, will take some practise and getting used to things, but I was serving customers within an hour of starting my shift…and served 29 customers by the end of it! Not bad for a first shift really.

The start of my shift was basically just training with the floor supervisor, learning how the tills work and how to do refunds/exchanges. Then he watched me serve a customer, which went well, then he left me to it..so must have done okay!!

I am shattered now though, but not as much as I used to be when I worked at the nursery. Retail is definitely my thing! I had a really good shift, reasonably smooth and no major dramas. Looking forward to tomorrow, apart from being trained on the phones! Oh the joys of customer service!!

Because of work my mood has been reasonably good all day. Bus travel is a little frustrating but will get used to that too. Right now I could quite easily go to bed haha, but at 7.38pm it is a little early…

Am going to leave it there for todays post, as not a lot else to say, and my eyes are crossing!! Thanks for reading as always folks and until next time…

September 27th – Contemplative…

Hey folks,

I feel I may have posted a post like this before… there’s a real sense of deja vu about the title!! But anyway, as there’s not much to report I thought I would be a little contemplative and reflective today, as I really wanted to post!

I’ve recently been reading through some of my older posts; in particular the first few, where I set myself some goals to achieve this year. I’d like to revisit those goals with you today, and show my progress on them.

To remind those who have been following for a while, and for the benefit of those new to my blog, I set the following 4 goals for 2014:

  1. Get to target weight before my birthday
  2. Get back into exercise, even if it’s just walking.
  3. Take control of my mental health and keep fighting.
  4. Quit smoking.

There was a 5th goal that I didn’t reveal back then, and still not going to right now either, sorry! But let’s take a look at the above and what I’ve achieved so far.
1. I did indeed get to my target weight before my birthday; I have however gained some back since starting my medication in April. But, it’s a goal I accomplished, so I’ll take that!
2. I am slowly getting back into exercise, have been doing workouts at home or going for walks; I plan to start a daily workout once I know what time I’ll have around work too, failing that perhaps an evening walk with my lovely husband. So, another goal practically accomplished! Awesome!
3. I feel I have taken back the control over my mental health now; I’ve learnt to accept my Bipolar diagnosis and am, in my opinion, managing the condition well. Yes, I’ve had a few lows recently, but I managed to not let it go too far, and I have come out the other side a lot quicker than I previously would. It is hard sometimes, but I have action plans set ready for when the lows (or indeed highs) occur. I feel I’m better prepared for either event, and that my MH no longer controls me, I control it. Which is a great feeling in itself; and another tick off the list!

So, that’s 3 out of the 4 I’ve already achieved, and there’s still 3 months left of 2014.
It just leaves… (imagine dramatic music here…).. quitting smoking! My biggest and hardest habit to break. However, it is in the pipeline for the next few weeks, when I really feel I’m ready to do it. I’m not going to publicise it on here until I’m well into it, to avoid the added pressure basically. Once I get past the first 48 hours, it does start to get easier. (Learnt that from previous quit attempts!!). So, once I’ve cracked that part I will probably announce to you all.

I’m feeling really proud of myself for achieving my goals; I only set ones that I felt were achievable for me, and so far so good! As for the 5th goal, well that was 2014/2015 anyway, so am happy to postpone that for a while. There’s plenty of time to tackle it when the time is right!

I’m also feeling proud of myself in general, looking back over my journey and where I was compared to where I am now. I know I’ve probably said all this before, but it helps to say it again haha. Some of my older posts were really very morbid and at times when I was really very low. I can’t bring myself to read some of the posts to be honest, as I don’t want to remember what that feeling was like. I know it happened, of course, but I’d rather leave it in the past where it belongs. Maybe one day I’ll read through some of them, but for now I’m happy in the knowledge that it’s not the person I am now.

Right now, in this moment, I’m happy and very content with my life. Yes, I may be a little overweight now, but that’s easily fixed when my mind is ready to get on board with it. But for now, I’m happy as I am. I have an amazingly supportive husband who loves me for me, no matter what size I am, so I’m trying not to stress about it too much. It’s something I know how to deal with, but it’s just not on my priorities list right now. I have many other things to focus on, like starting my new job, settling into that, and quitting smoking. Once those two things are under way, then I can think about adding in the diet side of things. For now, it’s live and let live for me.

I was speaking to someone about my blog recently, and they told me that it takes a lot of courage to bare all to the world; and I’ll admit that some, if not all, of what I’ve said has take a lot of courage to write, in particular at my lowest points. To really admit to the world how you feel, especially when it comes to mental illness, is a really hard thing to do. They commended me for doing so, which made me feel really good. It has been hard at times, not only to feel the motivation to write in the first place, but to be so brutally honest the whole time. I said at the beginning of this blog that at all times I would be honest, and I have been. No matter how dark and gritty my thoughts have been! It amazes me really just how often I have posted on here. I’d never been any good at keeping a blog before! But then I guess when you actually have a reason to, it does make it easier to find things to write about. I think this will be my 163rd post! With 95 days left of this year (is that all??!!), I feel I’ve done quite well. Out of the 270 (I think…) days that we’ve had so far this year, I have posted on over half of those days… that’s an accomplishment in itself for me! Even when I haven’t posted every day, I’ve always covered the days I missed in epic posts, so really my entire year so far has been documented in black and white, here on my blog. Quite an incredible thought to be honest!

I have felt that I’m finding less to write about though since getting better… that makes it sound like all I wrote about was doom and gloom doesn’t it?! But, on the positive side of that, it just goes to show you that recovery is possible. To look at me now, you’d never believe how ill I have been, and most wouldn’t believe it if I told them. Only you lovely followers know the score, and I’m so grateful for all of you, reading and supporting me, even though some of you have never even met me. I’ve made some great friends through this blog also, which is really nice.

So with that all said, I think I shall draw this post to a close, have gone on a lot longer than planned… always the same with me though, I like to waffle on don’t I! Thanks for reading folks, and have a great weekend!!

Until next time…

 

September 25th – Life.

Hey folks,

Hope you are all well?!

I’m feeling pretty good today; had a great appointment with my GP, he was pleased with the turn around I have made in a couple of weeks. I told him a lot of it was to do with his pep talk last week and making me realise a few things about myself. He was glad that he had helped. To be fair he always does, he is an awesome doctor and if it weren’t for him and his help I doubt I would be here writing this. He put me on the right path to recovery and I will forever be grateful to him. Today he also checked my blood pressure, which for the first time in years, was perfect. Or in his words “You have the BP of an 18 year old!” Haha, if only I was still 18! He also prescribed me with some nicotine patches, for when I am ready to quit smoking. Which I plan to do in the next couple of weeks once I’ve settled into my job. I have to be 100% ready to do it or it won’t work. I’m 95% there already, so that is a good start.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I’m feeling pretty good. Overall am generally a happy girl, however very tired today after zero sleep last night!! Too much coffee….

Every day I feel glad to be alive; life isn’t perfect, but then I don’t think such a thing actually exists! But I’ve got a fantastic and supportive husband, as well as amazing friends and family. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food (most of the time!) in the house. Which is a lot more than some people have. No one can really have it all in life, and a lot of us take for granted what we do have. We are never satisfied just to be who we are; we’re always wanting more, whether it be money or possessions. Sometimes it is good to just sit back and be grateful for what you do have, even if it is less than you want. There is a big difference between what we want and what we truly need in life. We need air to breathe, we want a fancy car. We need food to eat, we want the latest gadget or high tech phone. We need somewhere to live, we want it to be huge and better than the next person. Well, you get the picture right. We cannot have it all, and to be honest there is no need to have it all anyway.

I am truly grateful for what I do have in life; yes of course there is a lot more that I want, I’m only human, but I know I don’t need them.

So folks, appreciate what you have and don’t stress about the things you don’t have. Make every day count as if it is your last. Tell the person you love the most that you do; phone or text that person you haven’t spoken to for a while; just live life for the now. Don’t dwell on the past, it is done and we can’t change it. Don’t worry about the future, it isn’t here yet. Take care of the present and the rest will take care of itself.

Ooh look at me getting all deep and meaningful tonight!! Basically what I am trying to say is, live the life you love and love the life you live!! 🙂

Tomorrow I’m off trouser shopping ready to start work on Monday..such an exciting life I lead eh haha. But I am excited about starting my new job, and rather nervous as well! It’ll be fine though, I can do anything I put my mind to. Thinking positive!!

Anyway, that is it from me tonight. Thanks for reading everyone, means a lot. Until next time….

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September 24th – Midweek catch up

Hey folks,

Thought I would check in and say hey! Sorry for my brief post on Sunday and silence since. Things have been okay. Here is what I have been up to…

Monday I caught up with housework, that is really all to be honest! So rock ‘n’ roll huh?!

Tuesday I spent the day chilling with my bestie. It was really nice to catch up with him as it had been a while. We went for a lovely walk, lunch at the pub and then watched a movie. Was really good. He’s been having a really tough time recently, so it was nice to see him relax and smile!
In the evening I went to Rock Choir, which was awesome as always. Exhausting though! We’ve been back 2 weeks and already learnt a new song. We work hard us Rockies!

Today has been a sleepy day for me. Just haven’t seemed to be able to find the energy for anything much. At 10am I had a telephone call to assess me for CBT. It went well, took nearly an hour though! It was with a high intensity therapist, and was basically him asking me loads of questions about my anxiety and OCD. At the end of it, he said that I do qualify for 1-1 CBT, but unfortunately there is a waiting list of 6 months. So it will be next year now. In the meantime I will have to carry on as I have been doing.

Regarding my anxiety, it has settled down a lot since leaving the nursery. That was definitely a big part of my problems. I do have a small feeling of anxiousness about next week, starting my new job, but that is totally expected. I know I will be okay, I just have to stay strong and believe in myself. (Currently my phone wallpaper)

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It does help me to read that often.

I was going to attempt Stoptober to quit smoking; but after a chat with my sister, she made me realise that taking that challenge on as well as starting a new job, probably wasn’t the best idea! Likewise, I was going to try get back on Slimming World. But I have decided just to try eat healthier and focus on my new job first and foremost.

I need to take on 1 thing at a time, otherwise am likely to get too overwhelmed. So, watch this space on everything else! I definitely want to quit smoking, just bad timing for it right how.

Today is 168 days self harm free!! Only 32 days to 200!!!

Anyway, I think that is all I have to report for today. Am seeing my GP again tomorrow, just a check in really, as he was worried about me last week.

Until next time…

September 21st – Induction

Hey folks,

Just a brief post for tonight as I am shattered!!

My induction day went well though, and I got on with everyone okay. For the most part, we sat in a room going over policies and procedures, all the standard stuff! Then we were sent onto the sales floor for some training in our respective departments. For me this meant the Customer Service desk! I was terrified to be honest, but it seems fairly straight forward. Once I get to grips with the tills it should be fine. It is a little daunting, but that’s normal I suppose! I’m looking forward to the challenge.

My start date is Monday 29th September. Nervous but excited too. Apparently weekdays aren’t as busy as weekends, it was pretty hectic on there today.

Anyway, that’s about it from me today; feeling so tired I’m just going to chill out and maybe get an early night.

Just a quick welcome and thanks to my new followers!

Until next time my lovely readers…

September 20th – Nerves

Hey folks,

Wasn’t going to blog today, but had the urge!

So, tomorrow is my induction at my new job; am so nervous! Excited too tho, new challenges and meeting new people. Although the latter does scare me too! I’m very shy around people I don’t know. I also keep panicking that I’ve got the day wrong and that it was actually today. I’m pretty sure it’s tomorrow though… I hope! The email says Saturday 21st.. But obviously the 21st is tomorrow Sunday! I’m sure the chappy from HR said Sunday on the phone as well… Fingers crossed! Will see when I get there haha. May be a quick trip to town if I’ve got it wrong!

Today has mostly been spent chilling out; had a lush long lay in until 11.30ish. Could of easily slept longer though! I love my sleep!

Managed to get the laundry done and sorted some paperwork out. The rest of the time I’ve just been relaxing with the hubby watching TV. He’s now playing on the Xbox and I’m listening to tunes.

Mood wise I’ve been really happy and feeling positive today. So I think I’ve finally put the low mood behind me again. Had a good couple of days in a row now. I always get nervous after a low patch, that the good mood won’t last; but it seems to be at the moment. I’ve got my new job to look forward to, despite the nerves! I’m excited to start something new and leave the anxiety behind with the old job. Its calmed down a lot since I haven’t been there. So it’s obvious that it was the job that was the problem.

Today is 164 days self harm free!

As I’ve not got much to write about today I shall leave it there and end on a couple of positive quotes 🙂

“No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has a purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Continue to persist and persevere.”

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in your journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt. For we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.”

“Be grateful for all the obstacles in life; they have strengthened you as you continue with your journey.”

“You have to fight through so bad days to earn the best days of your life.”

“When you get into a tight place and even everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up. For that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.”

Until next time folks…