Apologies for the lack of writing from me, it’s been a tough few days to be honest. I haven’t wanted to really communicate with anyone, or write down how I was feeling either. I was in my survival mode and I had to ride it out in order to get through it. As I’ve said in a previous post, living with depression is like a game of snakes and ladders. The last few days have been mostly ‘snake’ days. However, yesterday (29th), and today have been a bit of both. So here I am.
27th was my 4 year wedding anniversary; I can’t believe it’s been that long already since I married my best friend, my soul mate, my everything. We’ve been through some pretty tough times in those 4 years, this last year especially with all my mental health problems. But he’s been there for me throughout it all and I’d be totally lost without him. He really is my rock and supports me a million percent. Times are tough financially at the moment because I’ve not been able to work, but the most important thing is that we have each other; we can face the rest together and we’ll be okay. We’ve been through worse and somehow we’ll make it through this too.
I’ve managed to get the forms filled in for the various things we can claim, and will be attempting to make the phone call tomorrow to get the ball rolling. Hopefully if all of that goes through it’ll ease things a little financially and take some of the stress away. I feel awful that it’s because of me that we’re in such a situation, but at the end of the day it’s something I couldn’t (and to be fair still can’t) control, so I need to try and not worry about it too much. In the grand scheme of things, there’s a lot worse that could happen.
I’ve always been a worrier though; every little thing occupies my mind relentlessly and I can’t stop it. I’m not sure if it’s part of my OCD, or whether it’s just in my genetic make up to be a worrier. My mum is the same, so perhaps it’s the latter. I don’t think I’ll ever change on that front!
I’m also really disappointed in myself too, as I’ve let my binging and bad food choices get out of control. Since achieving target with Slimming World in January, I’ve gained 11lbs (well, 10.5lbs, so may as well say 11!). I know that I can lose it again, that’s not the issue that’s getting me down. It’s more that I let it happen in the first place. I guess I got complacent and/or lazy when I was at target weight. and slowly bad habits crept in again. Convenience and processed foods started creeping in, as well as chocolate and other such naughties when I felt really low and succumbed to comfort eating again. As soon as I stepped on the scales this morning I felt so angry with myself and knew exactly where it had all come from. I’ve not been to group for 2 weeks as I felt I needed a break, so without the thought of weigh in to go to I let things spiral out of control, under the impression that it wouldn’t matter as I wasn’t getting weighed. Now I shall be returning to group on Thursday to face the music, draw a line and start again. In between now and then though I am making a conscious effort to try and not gain any more pounds! Perhaps I’ll even undo some of the damage between now and then too if I’m really good. I’m going to be watching my syns like a hawk, drinking water and green tea like it’s going out of fashion, and make sure I’m on plan 100% for the next 4 days. Fingers crossed! I’ve got my little pebble jars out again so I can track the pounds.
This leads me on to another development to my daily routine…
I went out for a 3 mile walk/run yesterday, for the first time this year. It completely exhausted me, but in a good way. The endorphins were rushing through my system for a good couple of hours when I’d done it and I felt proud of myself that I’d gotten back out there. According to the app that I tracked it on, I ran 2 miles in 25 minutes; I may have overdone the distance, but it’s the best route I’ve got to get back out there. So I aim to run/walk every other day on that route, and slowly build up to running more of it than walking. The aim is to get back to Parkrun as well, which is 5k (3 miles). So it’s all good practise in the long run anyway. I was going to do the 30 day shred again, but as the weather was on my side I figured going for a run would be more beneficial. Will keep you posted how things pan out with that. The added incentive of losing weight again is helping motivate me to do it. I refuse to gain any more weight and go backwards on that side of things!!
This coming week I have my 4th appointment with my Psychiatrist… hmm, that’s a rather apprehensive area. After the last 3 appointments I’ve developed a little bit of a ‘what’s the point?’ mentality about seeing her. However, I shall give her the benefit of the doubt for now and see where it goes. Now that the medication seems to have been sorted, hopefully she’ll move on to actually tackling the bigger picture of how I got to where I’m at in the first place. If she doesn’t I can see me kicking off to be honest. I do think that with the drops in my mood this past week, that the medication is right in terms of what I’m taking, but not quite there on dosage yet. So, that should take all of 5 minutes to resolve and then if she sends me on my way then I won’t be impressed! I still keep feeling like not showing up to the appointment at all, but I know that’ll help even less! So I shall go and see what happens. Keep your fingers crossed for me everyone?!
CBT session 10 of 12 on Wednesday; Something that seems to actually be making sense to me now! It took a while but with everything else I was battling with it’s understandable I suppose. As I’ve said previously, I’m still hoping to pursue 1-1 CBT after the groups done. I think it’ll be then that the real hard work will begin to be honest, as I put the techniques into practise with my various problems. I suppose you could say that it’ll be when my actual journey to recovery will begin; as until now it’s all been a bit of a crazy rollercoaster of experiments with medication and verging on giving up altogether. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just can’t really see it yet, but in time I will. As soon as I see it I’m aiming for it with everything I’ve got. I want my life back and I will do whatever it takes to get it.
Today is day 43 self harm free; as each day passes it’s another little victory. I’ll admit some days it has been increasingly hard to not give in to the temptation, but the fact that I have managed to is something to be proud of too.
Another thing that’s positive is that I’m still free of Benji in my head. It’s now been over a week, 9 days in fact, since I last heard him in my head. I do sometimes feel it’s only a matter of time before he’s back with a vengeance and screaming at me, like he’s just on holiday or something. I hope that he doesn’t, but I have to be prepared for it just in case. The more prepared that I am, the better I’ll cope with it, if/when it happens. I’ve come this far without him and to have him back would really set me back I think. I hate the unknown; it’s one of my biggest fears. There’s a lot of unknowns with mental illness though, as it’s something that you don’t really have full control over.
I’m going to be a guest blogger again soon to, this time for The Black Dog Tribe; It’s an on-line community set up by Ruby Wax for anyone affected by mental illness and is run by a charity called SANE, who provide free, confidential support for those affected, including family, friends and carers. Please click on the links to BDT, SANE and Ruby Wax to find out more. Being a guest blogger really adds value to sharing my journey and I hope that I can help others by doing so too.
I think that’s pretty much all I’ve got to write about for today; feeling a little ‘meh’ right now so going to relax and probably get an early night. The change to BST is great in the fact that it means summer is on it’s way, but losing an hour really sucks!
Thanks for reading everyone… bye!