11th March

Hey folks,

Been quite a chilled day today; even CBT felt really relaxed too!

I did my workout this morning, then had a lush hot shower before breakfast. Am trying to get into a routine of working out between 8am and 9am, ready for when I start going to the gym! Getting my body used to it basically 🙂 I’ve purchased some gym clothes, trainers, a bag and a water bottle, so am all set! I’m ridiculously excited for some reason haha.

CBT, as I said, felt really relaxed today. We spent the time discussing my goals that I set last session, and how far I’ve gotten with them so far. For those of you new to my blog, those goals were:

  • Buy/use less hand gel.
  • Not wash my hands after opening the mail.
  • Go out with friends/other social activity (such as Rock Choir).

So far…. I’ve not bought any more hand gel, and haven’t used quite as much as usual!; I’ve used the delay technique to manage to make it to 30 minutes after opening the mail before washing my hands; and I’ve attended Rock Choir twice this week! I’m definitely making up for lost time there!!

So all in all, my goals are going well so far. We’ve created a “Fear Ladder” this week, with things on it that cause anxiety for me. My task is to accomplish as many levels as I can before our next session, which is on 24th March. Here’s my ladder (1 being relatively no anxiety, up to 10 which is severe anxiety):

  1. Stay at home alone
  2. Go for a walk alone
  3. Go for a walk with someone
  4. Go to town alone
  5. Have someone visit my house
  6. Go to town with friends
  7. Go for coffee with a friend
  8. Visit someone else’s house
  9. Not take my hand gel out with me
  10. Travel a long distance on my own.

They may not seem like very big things to the ‘normal’ person, but to me it causes me varying degrees of anxiety, and I’m not 100% sure why or where it’s come from. Over time it’s gotten worse though, the more I’ve avoided doing certain things, the more I worry about them. It’s mostly a germ phobia I think, and I wish I knew just how to switch it off so that I can just live life like a ‘normal’ person! Am beginning to confront it though, with the help of R and CBT, so hopefully I’ll be able to manage it better and not let it control me so much.

It feels like I’ve achieved so much this year already, and it’s only March! Was thinking earlier, how well I’ve done in the past couple of year too. For example, I’ve conquered alcohol addiction (2 years, 2 months, 1 week!), I’ve conquered self harm (11 months, 3 days), and I’m currently conquering nicotine addiction! It’s been a bumpy road, but I feel proud of where I’m at right now. It shows me just how strong I truly am, and how much I can achieve when I put my mind to something. So I’m determined to conquer my OCD as well, and live life to the full!

I think that’s pretty much all that’s happened today…. oh, I went for a walk this afternoon and practised some mindfulness 🙂

Yep, that really is it now haha. So, thank you as always for reading; take care, stay strong and until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

4th January

Hey folks,

This post comes with mixed emotions tonight; first of all, I’m happy because today is my 2 year soberversary!!!!! Can’t quite believe it’s been that long since I last had alcohol. There’s times when I do miss it, and often think to myself “I could so go for a glass of wine about now…”, but the feeling soon passes when I remember how ill it made me back then. I don’t think that memory will ever go away to be honest.

Secondly, I’m rather hurt and upset about someone’s opinion of me. They messaged me on Facebook, in reply to my question of why had they deleted me, and their response really shocked me. I won’t post it all here, but I shall quote a small parts of it, the parts that upset me most:

“We actually find your posts upsetting and disturbing” and “constant barrage of what appear to be attention seeking statements”.

So I’m upsetting, disturbing and an attention seeker, for speaking about my feelings and being honest about how bipolar affects me! I must point out, that as a family they do deal with someone with bipolar, but seriously, that was hurtful! Whilst I understand that it’s not easy dealing with someone with bipolar, at the same time, I’m not aware of anything that I’ve posted that is either disturbing or attention seeking! That’s not what I’m all about at all. I share my thoughts and feelings, for the purpose of helping others to know they’re not alone and that someone else out there feels the way they may do. And I know for a fact that it’s helped others as well, the messages from people prove that. I’ve often been called an inspiration to others, and that makes me feel really good. But messages like that above, make me feel quite frankly like shit.

It’s that sort of thing that knocks me back, and makes me doubt everything I’m trying to achieve. I purposely set up a page on Facebook to share my blog, they didn’t have to like that. But to un-friend and block my main profile is just harsh. I keep the two very separate; okay so some days when I’m struggling I have updated my status as such, but that’s not for attention. It’s more to stop me going bat shit crazy with all the racing thoughts that go through my head sometimes. It’s better to get it out for me, than to dwell on it all. None of them though, could ever be deemed as disturbing in my opinion. Some of my blogs, perhaps. But as I said about the page, they don’t have to read it.

So I can now say I’ve lost another 4 so called friends because of who I am. An honest, struggling human being. Charming. I’ll deal with it and move on, like I always do. Doesn’t stop it hurting though. Considering the amount of time I’ve know those particular people and thought they cared about me; clearly not.

Sorry to go on about it, but it really put a black cloud over my day today. I woke up feeling great, celebrating my soberversary, and then bam! That message came through and I just felt shit.

In other news though, today is 270 days self harm free, and as always, I’m really proud of that. I’ve come a long way with it, and overcome some truly difficult urges. It was something I was determined to beat though, and I have. Yay me!!

Anyway, today is a PJ day with the hubby, watching all the original Batman movies, that’s been lush! So, with that said, I shall bring this post to a close; think I’ve ranted enough for tonight! Thanks as always for reading, and for the support and care, it means a lot to me.

Until next time…..

x Sara Phoenix x