Been a while again hasn’t it, apologies. I just haven’t really had a lot going on other than normal life really. Work, days off, and work again!
Today marks 134 days self harm clean though, so thought I would share that with you for a start! Increasingly proud of myself for that, and to mark how well I’m doing, I’m getting a butterfly/semi-colon tattoo done at the weekend. Will post pictures when it’s done 🙂
Also, something I’m hugely looking forward to, is we’re off to the Harry Potter Studio Tour on Monday!!! So incredibly excited, very geeky I know, but as I’ve probably said before, am a geek and proud of that!!
I’ve been doing okay overall; no major lows, or crazy highs either. I think I’m finally on cruise control on the middle ground (thank you wonderful medications!!). I do sometimes feel a bit low, but it mostly happens when I get really tired, so I think the 2 are linked. My anxiety about work is still there, but I seem to (*touches wood*) have managed to get it under control to a certain degree. Some days are worse than others, but for the most part I’m doing well with it. Yay me!
I think I’ve also finally put to bed all the emotions about my ex-brother. I rarely think of him now, and really feel like I’m moving on and leaving it in my past. I’m learning to let go of the things that I cannot change, and it’s getting easier to deal with. I’ve not checked on his Twitter for well over a week now, and I blocked him so he can’t see mine, he probably didn’t even look, but it made me feel a bit better to block him out of my life. He’s not the first person that I’ve lost in my life, and sadly probably won’t be the last either. People come and go, and only those worth having in my life will remain. I’ve got a really solid group of friends and some amazingly supportive family too. I don’t need people in my life that don’t want to be there. Sometimes I’ll catch myself thinking about it all, and really have to make a forced effort to get it out of my mind. But, time is a good healer and I’m starting to see that now. Not sure whether I mentioned before (apologies if I’m repeating myself here..), but I wrote him a letter as kind of a last goodbye. Which at the time I didn’t know whether it would really help or not, but it seems to have worked really well. It put a lot of things into perspective and if I ever have any doubts or upset about it, I just read the letter and it really does help. Slowly but surely he’s becoming just a distant memory that doesn’t hurt me any more.
On the 1st of September I have an appointment with my Pdoc. Has been a long time since I last saw her, but I think she’ll see a big change in me now. Especially when I turn up in a neon top and trainers lol. I’m a little apprehensive about it, due to the long period of time it has been since I saw her, but hopefully it’ll be okay. Somehow I have to work out the buses to it as well, as it’s not at the usual hospital. I know how to get there roughly, so should be okay… I hope. Will leave in plenty of time so I don’t have to rush. Would rather be there early than turn up late and stressed. Need to be as relaxed as possible to speak to her rationally. She does tend to push my buttons and wind me up though, and I have to be careful not to lose my temper with her.
It feels weird in a way, because I used to always be at the doctors or hospital, but now I rarely see or speak to anyone regarding my mental health. I guess this is a good thing; just feels a bit surreal I suppose, as a lot of my life was spent being psychoanalysed or pills being thrown at me.
I think it’s officially passed the year mark since I first had my breakdown too. I can’t remember exact dates, but am pretty sure I was signed off work by the end of August 2013. So much has happened in that time, and sometimes I sit back and am amazed at myself for getting through it all. To recall how bad I felt at my very worst, and to think how I feel now and what I’ve achieved, I’m really proud of myself. I’ve conquered a lot of things, like the self harm for example. It’s nice and quiet in my head too, that took some getting used to when the voices finally stopped. I sometimes have flashbacks of things that happened or conversations that I had back then, and I don’t think I’ll ever really make sense of those times. Psychosis has a lot to answer for. It’s almost like amnesia. Or a part of your life gets erased completely, and only sketchy memories remain that just feel so out of place in your head. It is quite hard to describe, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It truly is a scary thing to experience, although that comes when you’re getting better and realise what happened. That’s the scary part. Knowing that you were so ill you had no control over thoughts and actions.
But that’s not me any more, and fingers crossed it never will be again. Although that isn’t a guarantee. Even with the medication I have been warned that Psychosis can occur, just perhaps not quite so severe. I have to be really careful, and if it does I hope that I can spot what’s going on before it gets too bad. I have all the numbers for the crisis team and out of hours care, so I know where to go if I feel the need to. I don’t want to be like that again that’s for sure.
It’s hard to sit here and think about it, and all the people it hurt in the process. I’m just feeling so lucky that all but one of those people are still there for me. They understood that it was part of my illness and nothing malicious was meant by it. Those people read this blog, so I want to take this opportunity to thank you all again; I know I have many times, but it truly does mean a lot to me that you’re still by my side, I love you all.
Whilst I’m at it, I’d like to welcome my new followers and thank you too for following. Knowing that people read this makes it feel so much more worthwhile to write, even if I do ramble on and repeat myself sometimes! You’ll get used to that!!
Anyway, I think that’s it for now. At some point I will catch up with a themed post of some sort, need to look back and see what I’ve covered so far! Thank you all for reading and hope this post finds you all well.
Until next time…