November 30th – 200th post!!

Hey folks,

I’ve been working on this blog post most of the day, trying to make it a good one, as it’s the 200th post! Can you believe it? I don’t! This blog has evolved so much in that time; and I’m really proud of it.

I’ve now hit 102 followers!!!! How amazing is that?! I was well happy this morning when I checked my stats. Exceeded my target of 100, so thank you, thank you, thank you!! I appreciate each and every one of you; having you as part of my journey means so much to me, and the lovely comments of support are, well, simply lovely!

When I first started this blog, I never thought it would become as popular as it has. I thought it would just be like my little space on the world wide web, to come and go as I please, and say what I felt like. Which, technically, it still is! I just have more people sharing the space than I had anticipated. Who would of thought that I was that interesting eh?! Not me, haha. Personally I feel I’m quite a dull person really!

I’m really glad that I started this blog though; it’s given me the much needed place to just be myself. Of course I am myself in person as well, but my blog has proven an invaluable place to write down everything in my head; to really let it all go. I’m 100% honest, open and up-front with you all, and it really does help. Bad days aren’t so bad any more, because I know you’re all there listening to what I’ve got to say. The good days are even better days, because I know you’re there to celebrate with me! I appreciate each and every one of you; I know I’ve said that before, but I really do, all 102 of you! (Still finding that amazing!!).

So, what to write about today? I’m not really sure! It’s been a really relaxed day today, lush lie in and then just been watching tv and chillaxing. It’s the kind of days I like! Back to normality tomorrow though, as my husband is back to work. It’s going to be a bit weird that I’m not working too; but I’m sure I’ll find things to occupy my time with. I want to make my little art business work to be honest. I’ve got a couple of paintings to do, which will add to my portfolio of work, and keep me busy!

I can’t believe how much has changed since this time last year really. I’ve got nothing to look back on though for a year ago today, as I’d not started my blog! But I can remember it not being a great place for me mentally. I was still in the dark, and very confused about what was really wrong with me, and I think I even had the doctors confused too! I think that was the worst thing to be honest; knowing I was sick, but not knowing with what. I knew it wasn’t just simple depression any more, and hadn’t been for a long time. It was a lot deeper than that, and I was scared. I was a google freak! Constantly searching for my own diagnosis, as I was so desperate to know what was going on. I was told off many a time by my GP for doing so! (In a nice way haha).

Being told I have Bipolar was an epic day for me; April 1st 2014, ironically! But at the same time it was a relief. I finally knew what I was dealing with and could tackle it head on. It was time to really start fighting back, and I did. I accepted the medications, therapies etc that I was offered, and really got stuck in with it. I was determined to not let it beat me.

Now, 7 months on, I’m winning. Each and every day is a victory for me. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a win!

Anyway, I’ll save my epic summary of this year for the end of the year! …am a little tired and hyper at the same time today.. kind of a weird feeling!!

For those of you new to my blog, here is 20 random facts about me!

  1. I am 29 years old and I live in the UK with my husband and a cat!
  2. I have Bipolar Disorder, OCD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Anxiety.
  3. I am a recovering alcoholic.
  4. I sing, both solo and as part of my local Rock Choir
  5. My favourite colour is purple, and it is the colour of my birthstone, Amethyst
  6. My favourite meal is Spaghetti Bolognaise.
  7. I have 7 tattoos, all of which have their own meaning
  8. I have my own business, although it’s still in early days at the moment!
  9. I love motorsport; F1, BTCC and WRC to name a few!
  10. My top 3 bands/artists are: Green Day, Black Veil Brides and Demi Lovato
  11. I’m obsessed with Batman…
  12. I’m a self-confessed geek and proud!
  13. My favourite tv shows are: The Walking Dead, Hollyoaks (don’t judge!) and The Big Bang Theory
  14. I have 2 wonderful God daughters, eldest is 16, youngest is 2.
  15. I have 1 sister, 3 brother-in-laws, and 2 sister-in-laws.
  16. My biggest weakness is chocolate!!
  17. My strength is my determination to succeed
  18. I have a phobia of vomit (emetephobia), spiders, snakes and clowns!
  19. I started this blog on December 31st 2013
  20. I have overcome self harm, 235 days clean as of today!

That’s all for today folks! Until next time, stay strong and take care….x

November 29th – 1 more follower to 100!!!

Hey folks,

I’m a little excited! 2 reasons… Firstly, I have 99 followers on this blog now! Only 1 more to go to my target of 100 by the end of the year! Please share as much as possible, would love to hit the 100 mark!

Secondly, I have a nice new shiny phone 😀 The Sony Xperia Z3, and it’s awesome, I highly recommend it!

So I’ve had a good day today 🙂 my mood is good, and in general am feeling good. Last night I felt really ill all of a sudden, so panic did set in a little bit! But luckily whatever it was I slept it off. Absolutely shattered now though for some reason; has been quite a busy day I guess.

I don’t really know what else to write about today; not had any more questions, so got nothing to answer…. hmm…

Today is 234 days self harm free, am well happy with that, and so proud of myself for achieving it. Well, I should say, overcoming it! Because that’s what I’ve done. There’s no more urges to do it at all, so it’s all good!

Looking back over the past year, I’ve faced some really tough battles. At the time I didn’t think I’d ever get past them, but here I am, having defeated my demons and won those battles. I may not be 100% well, but I’m so much better than I was this time last year for example. I can see how far I’ve come, and to be honest it amazes me. I can still remember a time that I didn’t see a future for myself at all. But now I can, and a good one at that.

I’ve compiled my blog into a PDF book format as well, which I’m selling for £4 to raise money for mental health charities. So if you’re interested please let me know. The charities I’d be looking to donate to are Mind and Sane. The book is from the beginning up until around the 27th, can’t remember the exact date when I did it now!

I think that’s all I really have to say for today; going to snuggle up with the hubby and watch The Walking Dead.. slightly addicted to it!

So for now, take care and stay strong, oh and keep liking and sharing, it really is appreciated!! Until next time….

November 28th – Singing

Hey folks,

I’m contemplating the idea of starting to record songs again in the new year… not sure though! I did get a lot of nice compliments when I did the last time, so maybe I will.

It is something I used to enjoy doing, but at the same time I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to get them as perfect as possible, so I’m so undecided…!!!

Here is a YouTube video of one of my songs: The Rose

It was dedicated to my sister, and I apologise in advance if it makes you cry! As it has made people cry (in a good way I think lol). It was played at her daughters (my God daughter) Christening.

Here’s also a video of me soloing with Rock Choir: Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

So, there’s a little sneaky peak at what you could expect if I started recording again. Comments appreciated!

Today has been a really lazy day, got up around 11ish, and just chilled out watching TV and listening to music, it’s been lush! Love having days like this. If only there was more of them!

Tomorrow am off to upgrade my mobile phone, so excited! Love getting a new phone, lol how sad am I?!

I don’t think I’ve really got much else to say to be honest; am feeling really good, well apart from a cold again! So will leave it there for today, hope everyone is well and keep liking and sharing my lovelies, it really is appreciated! Would love to reach 100 followers by the end of the year, that would be epic! Thank you for reading, take care and stay strong, until next time….

November 27th – A question about Alcoholism

Hey folks,

I’ve received another question, about Alcoholism, so that’s what I shall cover today.

Alcoholism is a broad term for problems with alcohol; generally it refers to alcohol addiction, which is the compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcohol, usually to the detriment of the persons health, relationships and life in general.

It is medically considered a disease, specifically an addictive illness. In psychiatry, it is also referred to as alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, and alcohol use disorder.

Alcohol misuse has the potential to damage almost every organ in the body, including the brain. The cumulative toxic effects of chronic alcohol abuse can cause both medical and psychiatric problems. Someone who has alcoholism is called an alcoholic.

It’s not always easy to see when your drinking has crossed the line from moderate or social use to problem drinking. But if you consume alcohol to cope with difficulties or to avoid feeling bad, you’re in potentially dangerous territory. Alcoholism and alcohol abuse can sneak up on you, so it’s important to be aware of the warning signs and take steps to cut back if you recognise them. Understanding the problem is the first step to overcoming it.

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse are due to many interconnected factors, including genetics, how you were raised, your social environment, and your emotional health. People who have a family history of alcoholism or who associate closely with heavy drinkers are more likely to develop drinking problems. Also, those who suffer from a mental health problem such as anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder are also particularly at risk, because alcohol may be used to self-medicate.

Since drinking is so common in many cultures and the effects vary so widely from person to person, it’s not always easy to figure out where the line is between social drinking and problem drinking. The bottom line is how alcohol affects you. If your drinking is causing problems in your life, you have a drinking problem.


For me it was a slow, but ultimately slippery slope that I followed. I’ve always been a social drinker, unless I was driving. So over the years I’d gotten a liking for alcohol and always enjoyed it. Who doesn’t right? But it was 2012 that things started to get serious.

It began just drinking every weekend, just a few drinks on a Saturday night with my husband, to unwind after a long week. Over time it became a regular weekend thing, and I’d look forward to the weekends just for that. It then began to turn into Friday and Saturday nights, when I’d consume at least 1 bottle of wine a night. Slowly but surely, my tolerance increased, meaning I’d drink more. Then it started to creep into weekday evenings too, say for example after a particularly stressful day. Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays began to be the norm. Then Wednesdays too… and so on, until I was drinking every single day. A bottle of wine a night, often more at the weekends. Every day I would long for the evening to come when I could drink again. It had become a plain and simple addiction. Because it had been a slow increase in frequency, I didn’t really notice it. Other people would though, and say things like “are you drinking again tonight?” or “don’t you think you should have a night off the booze?”. But I didn’t listen, I was enjoying it far too much.

This went on for a good year or so; but I didn’t realise what was happening to me. I was drinking when I was happy, and when I was sad. As time went on, and depression began to take hold, I drank to block it out. I was happy when I was intoxicated. I didn’t think about all the negative things that went through my head when I was sober. I was talkative, upbeat and like my old self again. In general terms, I was self medicating my depression with alcohol.

The next bit of this post is both something I have covered in a previous post, and also rather gross, so a word of warning for you!

One morning, January 4th to be precise; I woke up feeling horrendous. I was so nauseated I could barely move, my head was spinning and I couldn’t stop shaking. I did my best to hide it from my husband, but he noticed I was shaking whilst trying to make the morning coffees. I just told him I was probably hungover and that I’d be okay after a coffee and a smoke. I was hoping that was the case deep down anyway! But no, having a cigarette made me feel even worse, and the coffee too. I started to wretch, and knew that the inevitable was going to happen, so dashed to the kitchen sink (the closest thing to me at the time!) and violently vomited. Every part of me hurt, and what I was bringing up was pure alcohol from the night before.

I spent most of the morning vomiting and feeling terrible, and it was then that it hit me. My body had had enough. It couldn’t process the alcohol any more, and this was my wake up call. I knew I had a problem and had to do something about it, and fast. I couldn’t carry on drinking, I was going to make myself seriously ill if I did. I was quite honestly, scared.

By the afternoon I was feeling a little better and had stopped vomiting. I couldn’t stomach any food though until mid evening, when I managed some toast. But I’d made a decision that day; to stop drinking. I was determined to do it, for my health. I didn’t want to spend another day feeling like I did that day, it felt like I was dying!!

So, January 4th 2013 was my first sober day. The next few days were awful though. The withdrawals were hardcore, I was shaky, nauseated, tired and the temptation to have a drink was huge. But I stuck to my guns, and avoided alcohol somehow.

It took a good few weeks for the withdrawals to pass, and they were really hard. I did struggle a lot to stay sober. As each day passed though, I considered it a victory. As the days passed, I grew stronger and more determined. We went to a friends wedding a few months later, and I did have a small glass of Pimms, and quite honestly it made me feel awful. I went on to pints of water after that!! I don’t really count it in my sober count, as it was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Whether that is wrong or not, I don’t know, but for me it didn’t have any impact on me other than making me feel ill!

Now I am still sober, and intend to keep it that way. Today will be 1 year, 10 months and 23 days sober; and I’m feeling mega proud of that.

I’m what is known as a recovering alcoholic still, a little known fact amongst my friends and family, until now haha!

I hope this has answered the question okay, it covers both general information about alcoholism, as well as my experience with it. Sorry if it was a bit gross in places, but as I promised when this blog was born, I would always be 100% open and honest at all times.


In other news, today is also 232 days self harm free! Another victory that I’m mega proud of.

2014 has seen me accomplish so much. I’ve overcome alcoholism, self harm, and learnt to manage my anxiety, OCD and bipolar! Go me!!

I’m in a really good place right now, and long may it continue. I finally feel like I’ve got my life back on track and that things are going to be okay. Fingers crossed!! I don’t want to jinx myself!!

On that note I shall leave it there, thanks for reading, and welcome to my newest followers. Am up to 97 now, so am hoping I hit the 100 mark by the end of this year, that would be amazing!! Keep liking and sharing folks, it really means a lot to me!

Until next time….

November 26th – Happy (manic) girl

Hey folks,

I’m in a really really good mood! I think missing my medication for 2 days has affected me more than I thought it would… (Just a simple case of forgetting, oops! Not recommended!!!!). I do feel a little too high right now, but it’ll settle hopefully, as I’ve had my meds tonight.

The main reason I’m so happy is, my husband is actually looking forward to Christmas, for the first time since we’ve been together! He’s normally a complete “bah humbug”! But we’ve just spent the evening shopping on-line for each other, and I’m really excited! Can’t wait until Christmas day now, it’s going to be lots of fun! The last few years we’ve not been able to afford to buy each other anything, and really struggled getting friends and family anything too, so for the first time we’re in a really good place and have got everything set for it now. Just got to wrap it all and write cards and we’re ready. It’s a really good feeling.

Another reason is, I’m excited about Rock Choir again; I’d kind of lost my mojo with it a little bit, mostly because between work getting in the way, and being poorly, have missed a lot of this last term. It is a little ironic how I’m excited about it again now that term has finished! But it bodes well for the new term in January. Also, in June, we’re having a big 10th birthday sing at the NEC in Birmingham, which I’m really looking forward to. Loads of us all together, singing our hearts out, is going to be epic. Another good thing about it, is that I’ll finally be performing at the same time and place as my brother-in-law, who sings in a Rock Choir in his area. It’s always been something we’ve spoken about, and always wondered how we’d achieve it, and now we can! He’s a bass and I’m a lower alto, so we won’t be with each other as such, but at the same performance is enough for me. It’ll be nice to know he’s out there somewhere singing too, and hopefully he’ll feel the same way!

I really do feel rather manic… this isn’t good. Well, it is and it isn’t. It means I may not sleep tonight, but at least we’re not doing anything tomorrow, so if I need to I can crash out for an hour or so during the day. It’s been a while since I’ve been manic, and can kind of tell when it’s happening, and it really does feel like it right now. I’ve suddenly got loads of energy and just want to do things. It is a little annoying though too.

It’s given me an idea of something to write factually about in this post though. The mania side of bipolar disorder.

Once again, I’m going to use a website to give a definition, as it’s easier than me trying to explain!!

Taken from mind.org.uk:

What are mania and hypomania?

Hypomania and mania are terms used to describe periods of overactive and excited behaviour that have a serious impact on your day-to-day life.

The symptoms of hypomania and mania include:

  • feelings of extreme and intense happiness – feeling excessively ‘high’
  • increased irritability and aggression
  • increased confidence and self-esteem
  • a reduced need for sleep
  • increased talkativeness and talking very fast
  • feeling full of ideas and racing thoughts
  • having a lot of energy
  • an exaggerated sense of your own importance
  • restlessness and difficulty relaxing
  • a lack of concentration and being easily distracted
  • increased social activity
  • risky behaviour, such as going on a spending spree
  • increased sexual desire and decreased inhibitions
  • poor judgement
  • heightened senses – sight, smell or other senses being sharper than usual.

I suffer from Hypomania, the less severe form of mania. But it can still be very disruptive to daily life. I think the insomnia is the worst part. I find it really hard to switch off and sleep at the best of times, but during a hypo episode it’s even harder, most often impossible. So, going to bed tonight will be interesting…

Anyway, rather than rambling on about nonsense, I’m going to try and relax myself and go to bed… wish me luck folks!
Until next time….

November 25th – The Face Behind The Blog!

Hey folks,

I’m being super brave today, as I’ve had my hair done, got make up on and actually feel okay with my appearance right now… (an unusual feeling for me!). So, here is the face behind the blog!!!

20141125_161826

Loving my new hair, makes such a change from blonde (although got a few streaks of it still!), and have had so many compliments on it since posting it on my Facebook. The photo doesn’t really show how bright it is, but it’s pretty darn bright!

It’s amazing how changing your hair can really change how you feel about yourself. As many of you know, I’m a very shy person and don’t often make myself public on the internet. My Facebook is private, for friends only, so posting this photo here is a very big step for me. I know I posted one of me for the Stand Up To Cancer event, but that was from a distance, in the dark! So, a selfie is a huge thing for me, and I’m really proud of myself for doing this. (She says, even though she’s not hit post yet!).

Now I don’t have the pressure of a job, I’m feeling a lot better. My low mood has lifted, and I’m feeling content again.

Today I’m going to talk a little about Body Dsymorphic Disorder (BDD), as it’s something I’ve been asked about a few times.
BDD is something that affects me on a daily basis; so, here’s what it’s all about:

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance.

For example, they may be convinced that a barely visible scar is a major flaw that everyone is staring at, or that their nose looks abnormal.

Having BDD does not mean the person is vain or self-obsessed.

Almost everyone feels unhappy about the way they look at some point in their life, but these thoughts usually come and go, and can be forgotten.

However, for someone with BDD, the thoughts are very distressing, do not go away and have a significant impact on daily life.

The person believes they are ugly or defective and that other people perceive them in this way, despite reassurances from others about their appearance.

It’s estimated that up to one in every 100 people in the UK may have BDD, although this may be an underestimate as people with the condition often hide it from others. BDD has been found to affect similar numbers of males and females.

The condition can affect all age groups, but usually starts when a person is a teenager or a young adult, when people are generally most sensitive about their appearance.

It’s more common in people with a history of depression or social phobia. It often occurs alongside obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or generalised anxiety disorder, and may also exist alongside an eating disorder, such as anorexia or bulimia.

BDD can seriously affect daily life, often affecting work, social life and relationships.

A person with BDD may:

  • constantly compare their looks to other people’s
  • spend a long time in front of a mirror, but at other times avoid mirrors altogether
  • spend a long time concealing what they believe is a defect
  • become distressed by a particular area of their body (most commonly their face)
  • feel anxious when around other people and avoid social situations
  • be very secretive and reluctant to seek help, because they believe others will see them as vain or self-obsessed
  • seek medical treatment for the perceived defect – for example, they may have cosmetic surgery, which is unlikely to relieve their distress
  • excessively diet and exercise

Although BDD is not the same as OCD, there are some similarities. For instance, the person may have to repeat certain acts, such as combing their hair, applying make-up, or picking their skin to make it “smooth”.

BDD can also lead to depression, self-harm and even thoughts of suicide.

The cause of BDD is not clear. It may be genetic or caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Past life experiences may play a role too – for example, BDD may be more common in people who were teased, bullied or abused when they were children.

Source: nhs.uk


For me, a lot of mine comes from being bullied as a child; my first and last year of primary school were spent at the hand of bullies. I’ve never had a great deal of confidence or self-esteem, but that ruined what little I had. Even when I lost a lot of weight, I’ve never been 100% happy with how I look. I know no one really is, but for me it’s more of a big deal. I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, putting myself down and generally disliking my appearance. I find I try to compensate with my personality, and often wonder if people see me how I see myself. I get a lot of compliments and kind words from people about how I look, but it’s very hard for me to believe them.

I used to not be able to go out without make up on, but have gotten to grips with that now and don’t obsess over it any more. So that’s a step in the right direction! When I do wear make up though, it has to be perfect and it often takes a while for me to get ready and be happy with it before leaving the house.

Some days are worse than others; I can be very reluctant to leave the house because of it at times, and this can make life hard if I have no choice but to go somewhere. Other times I leave the house without a care in the world about what I look like. It’s very unpredictable, I can go to bed feeling fine with how I look, but then wake up and hate everything I see in the mirror. So as you can imagine, it’s hard to live with BDD on top of everything else!

It’s never been officially diagnosed, as I’ve never really sought help for it; it was mentioned by my Pdoc though on a couple occasions. Once all my other things were under control, I kind of took control of it on my own. I have to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me, constantly. When I go out I often think people are looking at me and judging me on how I look or what I’m wearing. Sometimes I won’t even go to the corner shop if I feel I don’t look good. It’s not easy for sure. But, in time, I’m getting on with it and not letting it beat me like I used to.

So that’s a little, well okay a lot, about BDD! I hope it’s given you a little insight though on what it’s like to live with it and how it affects me in daily life.

Now it’s time for me to get some dinner and head out to the last Rock Choir session of the term (sad times!); so here goes the brave part of this blog, hitting publish! Until next time folks……

November 24th – Christmas Shopping!

Hey folks,

I’m feeling really accomplished tonight; hubby and I went shopping and managed to get everyone’s Christmas presents in one day!!!! It’s the first year for so many years, that we’ve been organised and on top of it. Normally we leave it until December! (usually Christmas eve!!). I feel really good now that it’s all done, and this week I intend to get all the cards done and everything wrapped as well. Then we’re all sorted ready for Christmas!

I can’t say I’m feeling all that festive yet, but I am looking forward to Christmas this year. Even though hubby is a complete “Bah Humbug!!”. We never bother with decorations, as it’s just so much faff that I can’t be bothered with to be honest. But for the first time in a long time, we can actually get each other something for Christmas. The last few years we’ve not been able to afford to, so it makes a nice change! We’re creating Amazon wishlists to make it easier, although I’m struggling as I don’t know what I want!

Anyway, in other news….

229 days self harm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Very proud of that. I had a lovely message yesterday from a really good friend, complimenting me on my blog and my achievements with my mental health journey. It really made me smile and made this blog feel even more worthwhile. To know people are proud of me as well is a really good feeling.

So, tomorrow I am dyeing my hair, a very bright red! I’m really excited!! If I’m brave enough (which I can’t guarantee), I will post a photo.

I meant to say the other day, that I’ve entered my blog into the Bloggers Lounge awards. Not quite sure what they are really, but I figured it would help get my blog out there. I’m now up to 91 followers – Hello to all the newest ones, and thank you!! – I may even achieve the big 100 by Christmas. That would be the most perfect present for me. So keep liking and sharing for me folks, it really does make a difference, thanks!!

My leg/foot tattoo is still healing nicely, itchy at times, but getting there. It’s over a week old now (just!); can’t wait until it’s fully healed though, patience isn’t one of my virtues!!

Anyway, it’s been a long and rather hectic day so it’s time to chill! Until next time folks, take care and stay strong!