Another good day for me today! Went to the gym this morning, and worked out for an hour. Only did the rower and the bike, but burnt off over 100 calories and exhausted myself haha. Tomorrow is Ladies Tone class; looking forward to that one. Lots of pump bar fun! 🙂
Tomorrow is also a big day for me too; as it’s my 1 year, self harm free, anniversary!!!! I’m really excited about it, because it was such a big thing for me to overcome. It was definitely not an easy ride, especially at the beginning. But, I took it one day at a time, and realised that recovery was possible. I’m overwhelmingly proud of myself as well, as it was something I once thought I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life. I was addicted to harming myself, and I didn’t see any other way to cope with the internal pain that I felt. However, one day, I decided that I wanted to beat it; I didn’t want to keep adding to my scars, day in, day out. I’d had enough of hurting myself. It didn’t solve anything, and I knew deep down that it wasn’t the right way to deal with things. So that was it, my mind was made up and I put down my blade for the very last time. At that point though, I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do it. That I’d fail and end up cutting again.
The first few days were definitely the worst. I battled through though, using distraction techniques to stop myself from cutting. The usual stuff like the elastic band on the wrist, ice cubes, and this may sound strange, but colouring I found to be really helpful too. It relaxed me and took my mind off cutting long enough to let the urge to cut pass.
I still can’t believe that it’s been a year! I was the same when I reached my first year sober too, haha. It just feels surreal to start with I suppose. Looking back, I love seeing what I’ve overcome and the battles that I’ve won. It encourages me to keep going, keep fighting and staying strong. I’ve come too far and won too many fights to turn back now.
If you’re reading this and struggling, trust me when I say, recovery is possible. You may not think it right now, but if you want it badly enough, you’ll get there. Just like I have. It’s often a long road, and it’s not easy, but it’s totally possible. Take back control and don’t let it win any longer. Remember that you are a beautiful human being, worthy of so much love and hurting yourself isn’t the answer. I know what it feels like to think that it is though, so I do understand. It is hard to convince yourself that it’s not the right way to deal with things, that it’s pointless and hurting those around you as well. But, once you’ve gotten your head around those facts, it does get easier. The pride you have in yourself, as you win each day, just grows and grows. Soon you’ll be like me, looking back and wondering why you did it in the first place. I have faith in you, you can beat this.
I think I also have CBT tomorrow as well…. need to double check that, haha!
Anyway, time for me to log off for tonight; am pretty tired and got a few things to do before I go to bed!
Thanks for reading folks, hope it’s made sense, I just kinda rambled on! 😛
Take care, stay strong, and until next time….
x Sara Phoenix x