13th February

Hey folks,

Most of you that know me personally will know, that I hate Friday the 13th with a passion; I’m not exactly superstitious, but it always fills me with dread for some reason! Today has been a pretty crappy day to be fair, and I’m going to blame it entirely on it being Friday the 13th, so there!

I’ve felt like crap all day for a start; managed to get some housework done before my CBT session though, so that was a plus.

My CBT session was both good and bad. Bad because it was slightly emotional, but good because I worked through some of that emotion and did feel a little bit better by the end of the session. I won’t go into too many details (as it’ll only upset me again most likely) but it was relating to the passing of my dad. I thought I had dealt with the grief of it, but it’s obvious to me now that I actually haven’t. It’s something R (my therapist) and I are going to work on, alongside the rest of my issues! We mostly spoke about my breakdown, and the time surrounding that point in my life. To be honest, much of my breakdown and the months that followed, is a blur. I get told a lot of things and I just don’t remember them happening at all. It’s kind of scary in a way, and feels like I’ve lost a part of my life. A part that I’ll never get back either. We also dealt with, or rather scratched the surface of, my OCD issues. R was trying to get an idea of what my triggers are and what I do when I’m triggered. She’s given me a diary to fill in for the next week, which we’ll go over next session. It’s going to be interesting to actually see what happens and when to be honest. It does mean I’m going to have to make it more of a concious thought though, rather than just the usual automatic thoughts and behaviours. But it’ll give us something to work on, and hopefully I’ll be able to take back control over it and regain some sort of normality with my life. At the moment it does seem to control me a lot, and that bugs me.

After my CBT session I was completely shattered. Such a familiar feeling, from group sessions. But at that point I couldn’t go to sleep, as I was selling my Fitbit to someone. Why I hear you ask! Because it doesn’t sync with my iPhone unfortunately. If I’d gone for the 4S instead of the 4, then it would have. But I couldn’t afford the extra money for that one. I’m looking into other options, such as the Jawbone. That does the same thing, but works with the iPhone 4! Will have to wait a while though, as the money I sold the Fitbit for is now spoken for for something else. Always the way!!

By the time I’d done all that it was lunch time, so I grabbed a quick sandwich. I’ve not been on Slimming World plan 100% at all for the past few days, and it’s beginning to bug me. But I just don’t seem to have the motivation (or the money) to get back on the wagon as they say. I’ve eaten things that I definitely shouldn’t have, and not eaten things that I should have (such as fruit and veg!). But, that said, I’m just going to plod on the way I am for the next few days, enjoy my birthday meal, get weighed on Wednesday, draw the line and start again! So be it if I’ve put on all that I’d lost, I’ll just have to deal with it and move on. Yes it’ll suck, but that’s life I suppose…. I did weigh myself yesterday at home, and according to my scales I’d maintained, so it might not be as bad as I’m fearing, but we shall see!

After lunch, and a quick chat with my lovely hubby as always, I napped for most of the afternoon. Had the most random and vivid dreams though; not quite sure where they came from and I couldn’t make sense of them at all. I guess it’s my meds at work there, it does happen from time to time (when I do sleep properly that is!).

Right now I’m feeling proper sick and tired; so I think I’ll call it a night on here and chill out for a bit. Going to watch Frozen with the hubby, then go to bed and hopefully sleep well!

Take care one and all, stay strong! Until next time….

x Sara Phoenix x

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