December 10th – X-ray

Hey folks,

So, today was the day I had my x-ray. It went okay, and now it’s just a case of waiting for the results. Probably the worst part! Fingers crossed it’ll all turn out okay.

Mood wise, am so so really. Not as down, but not up either. Just very mediocre. Got to babysit again tonight, not really up for it, but figured the money would be useful. My husband is coming with me this time though, so it’ll hopefully be better.

Am really glad that he’s got the next couple of days off to be honest; it’s not nice sitting at home alone when you feel so low. It’s not that I think I’ll do something silly though, so don’t panic. I’m low, but not that low. I still want to live. At least I think I do.

I was really excited for Christmas at one point, but now I just can’t seem to find that excitement again. I know deep down I’m looking forward to it, but I’m not the happy, hyped up “kid at Christmas” that I was a couple weeks ago. Oh well, maybe it’ll come back the closer we get to the time.

I think with this x-ray stuff hanging over my head, it’s ruining things a bit for me at the moment. Waiting to see what they say is torture. I hate the not knowing; wish they could have told me today.

245 days self harm free though, and still feeling strong about that. The only thing I have complete control over, and am determined not to give in to the urges. I can’t give in now. Only 120 days to the year mark, I CAN DO IT.

Anyway, not much else to write about today, so will leave it there. Hope you’re all good, take care.

Until next time…..

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