December 5th – Tough day

Hey folks,

Today’s been, in a word, tough. This morning I couldn’t face calling the doctors, but my brother-in-law was so worried about me that he did it. They then called me; and it was agreed that I would go in and see someone. I was freaking out to be honest, but I don’t really know why. I knew that it was for the best that I was seen by someone. Unfortunately it wasn’t my usual GP as he wasn’t in today, but who I did see was nice enough.

So, after spending an hour waiting at the medical centre, the outcome of my visit was upped medication dosages. Which has scared me a little bit for some reason. I think it’s because it may cause mania, and I really don’t want that. But it’s a case of wait and see what happens. At least I’d be more productive if that does happen….

Am also worried because have only been able to up the anti-depressant dose, because the anti-psychotic tablet was too small to break in half to take the one and a half that the doctor said. I need to go get a pill cutter tomorrow. I’m worried that the upped anti-depressant will make me high in the mean time though… as I said above, it’s a possibility anyway with the upped dosages.

The doctor referred to the voices as “auditory hallucinations”. Which sounds quite scary, but that’s essentially what they are. They’re not real, just very annoying.

I’ve spent most of the day since going to the doctors, sleeping. I’ve just felt it was the safest thing for me to do when I feel so low. I tend to just hide away; it’s my coping mechanism. It’s not recommended though, but it’s the way I deal with it. I’ve also used music to block out the voices, it does tend to work most of the time, the trouble happens when the music stops. They come back with a vengeance. I say voices, but it’s really only one still at the moment. I’m hoping it doesn’t progress to any more than that. Now that I’ve seen the doctor, fingers crossed have caught it early enough to not let it go further.

I don’t really know what else to say to be honest; my day has only really consisted of the doctors and sleep. I might chill out in the bath for a bit, and try to relax. Have felt very tense today. Sorry this post has been so brief, just not in the mood to really chat tonight 😦

Until next time folks…..

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