December 4th – Falling apart

Hey folks,

This post isn’t my usual upbeat self unfortunately. Things have taken a bit of a turn, and I’m not feeling good at all. I’m also hearing voices again; well, one voice. Benji is back. This time feels different though and really weird. It’s like he’s whispering to me, trying to freak me out…and it’s working. He’s told me I have cancer and am going to die. 😥 I know I shouldn’t believe him, but it’s got me really worried. My health anxiety is through the roof.

It’s been a really hard day, trying to ignore him. But it just isn’t that easy. I thought I was past all of this, and that the medication was going to stop it for good. I was wrong. Maybe I’ve just become too accustomed to the dosage of my medication or something. I just don’t know. I’ve felt a bit weird for a couple of days, but kept it to myself. Today was the first day that I heard his voice again though. It’s not easy for me to admit it, and am scared to call my doctor and admit it to him. But I think tomorrow I’m going to have to. I probably should have done it today.

I feel really overwhelmed and tired right now. It feels like I’m going backwards and that scares me too. Honestly, I’m falling apart all over again. Such bad timing with Christmas coming up. I guess I’ve been a little stressed about it, which may have triggered things a little, and I’ve not been sleeping very well at night either. So, the two things combined may be part of it. I really don’t know what to do next. I don’t want to have to see my Pdoc again, because quite honestly she wasn’t the best. I need someone I can talk to, rather than someone who just dishes out meds to me and sends me on my way.

I’ve done nothing much at all today; spent an hour or so doing some housework first thing, then sorting out some paperwork for the council. After that I just laid on the sofa watching movies and napping. Woke up around 4pm and had to get ready to go babysitting; not long gotten home from that. Am absolutely shattered and just want my bed now. I’m scared of sleeping though now, as he always used to haunt my dreams too.

I’ve just joined a forum for people who hear voices… maybe that will help me too.

I’ll keep you posted. Until next time…


2 thoughts on “December 4th – Falling apart

  1. Have you considered finding a psychologist or counselor as well as your Pdoc? Not many pdoc’s will actually chat much, they tend to focus on the med side of things but counseling in conjunction with meds is usually the best treatment plan. I know it’s scary when it feels like you’re going backwards but try not to let the stress take over, the fact is that with any illness it can be two steps forward one step back. For me it’s been three steps forward, three steps back, four steps forward, two steps back and so on! Try to focus and calm yourself as much as you can and replace any negative mantras in your head with positive ones 🙂

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