September 18th – Changing

Hey folks,

I saw my GP this morning, and came out feeling so much better than when I went in.

Before I was low and feeling totally fed up. But afterwards, I’m feeling so much more positive and can honestly say that my GP is the best. He reminded me just how far I’ve come since the beginning of all this. All the things I’ve overcome and achieved. All the times I felt like giving up, but didn’t. All the times that I felt so low and that there was no hope, that I came through and found the hope I was looking for. He also reminded me that I created a survival kit for times like these. It only consists of 1 thing; the letter to myself. (previously published on this blog). I came home and read it. It made so much sense to me and I really needed to read it. I’m glad I did too.

I know that I am a stronger person than I give myself credit for. I can overcome things I often feel I can’t. I can achieve anything I put my mind to. I am capable and just need to believe in myself. I need to have faith that everything will work out and be okay. I can’t dwell on what has pulled me back in the past either; I’m not living in the past, I’m living in the present and I have a future to look forward to.

I needed his reassurance I suppose, that I am okay. Which he always gives me, a long with an understanding of how I’m feeling and he appreciates it’s not easy. I’m so grateful to him and the hard work he’s put in with me over this past year. He’s truly been amazing and gone above and beyond to help me. I’ll always be thankful to him for it all. Every time I see him he says to keep in touch, even if I just need to unload or someone to talk to, he’s there for me. He believes in me, like so many others do. Its time I believed in myself.

The things I need to remember are:
I am strong.
I am capable.
I am a fighter.
I am a warrior.
I am okay, just as I am.

I need to focus on what’s happening right now and not worry about what might have been or what may be. Its here in this moment that I need to survive. I have to stay strong and fight my demons. I can’t and won’t let them win, not again.

Since getting the new job, my anxiety has eased off a lot. Obviously I still have it to some extent, new job nerves etc, but I don’t feel so overwhelmed by it all now. It feels like I have it back under control at long last. It was a turning point for me for sure.

Today is also 162 days (5 months 10 days) self harm clean. I feel I’ve finally beaten that now. I can get tempted from time to time, and probably always will, but I’m strong enough now to resist it. Distraction techniques are the best. Even a simple thing like making a coffee can be enough. I’m in control and I can’t wait to see 200, 300,  even 400 day milestones.

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And on that positive note, I shall end this post. Thanks for reading. Until next time… Stay strong.

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2 thoughts on “September 18th – Changing

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