Am sat here, wanting to blog but not really knowing what to write about.
Am so low right now, it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. Sadly it’s a familiar feeling though. I hate it. It is like the world is crashing down around me. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don’t have the strength to carry it. Or like the black dog is sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
There’s so many different ways I could describe it but none of them would do it justice. Unless you’ve felt like this I honestly don’t expect you to understand. It truly is the worst feeling in the world. You feel so helpless and hopeless, and just don’t want to live another day. But then you think of all those that love you and it hurts you even more if you think how it would affect them if you didn’t see tomorrow.
I’m still counting self harm clean days, 155 today. And I don’t intend on ruining that record either. It isn’t the answer to my problems and I have enough scars already. Plus I don’t want to let people down any more than I am already by being off work.
That’s another thing that is affecting my mood. I feel so guilty for being off. But at the same time, I just can’t face being there.
I spoke to my GP this morning, and he could tell just by talking to me on the phone that I’m not well. He said he was concerned about me and booked me in to see him next Thursday. He also signed me off for a further week, which didn’t go down well at work.
I’ve got an interview on Saturday for another job. Here’s hoping that it goes well and gives me my way out of the current situation. I need a new challenge and a change of scenery. Never leaving the village is probably not helping me. So to be able to go out for work in town instead could be a good thing. I have a feeling the shifts will be longer, but that’s something I will deal with if it happens.
All I can think of is that I’m failing for letting the demons win. I truly hate bipolar and how unpredictable it is. One day I’m doing great and being discharged from my Pdoc, then all of a sudden everything is crashing down around me and I feel like I’ve taken a billion steps backwards. I said that to my GP this morning and he tried to reassure me that I’m not as bad as I once was, and that it may be bad now but it won’t last forever. I know that already, but just wish it would be over now.
I miss laughing for no particular reason, or smiling at a stranger in the street. I miss waking up and being glad to be alive or the happy and content feeling I felt only a few weeks ago. Why does this have to happen now? When everything was going so well. I suppose I should have been more prepared for it, had an action plan in place ready for it. I guess I got too complacent in my little happy bubble. Then I stepped too close to the bipolar bush and the prickles popped my bubble. That probably sounds daft to you, but I see bipolar as a prickly thorn bush when it comes to the depressive side of it.
Have actually managed to write quite a long blog so far, if you’re still with me then I applaud you. It’s not the most fascinating read I’m sure. If anything it’s probably as dull as watching paint dry. But I just can’t make myself be happy right now. It’s just not that easy. I only wish it was.
Would love to wake up tomorrow and feel good again. I doubt it will happen though. This feels like it’ll take a while to get past. I wouldn’t say I’m at rock bottom, but I’m not far off. I’m trying not to let it go that far though, as that’s an even worse place to be.
Yesterday was suicide awareness day, and that was a little triggering for me to be honest. Having come so close to it myself; I didn’t blog about it on purpose.
Anyway, I’m going to sign off now, think I’ve rambled on enough for today. Big thanks for reading if you’ve got this far, and sorry it’s all so negative.
Until next time folks….