September 9th – Rock and a hard place

Hey folks,

I feel stuck. Between a rock and a hard place. I feel too low to be at work but at the same time I’m stressing about not earning and also my job security. I know they can’t technically fire me for being signed off, but they could suggest/push for me to resign. Which scares me. I don’t want to be out of work again as the routine and financial benefits were beneficial to me.

I really don’t know what to do. Part of me feels i should just suck it up and go back to work next week, but at the same time I’m so terrified of jumping back into the flames and ending up feeling worse than ever. I feel bad enough as it is.

Today I have mostly spent sleeping as I’m just feeling so lethargic and unmotivated to do anything. I managed a bit of housework that needed doing, but the rest of the day I just laid on the sofa. Its like my meds have just stopped working all of a sudden. I know I had a couple of days without but it shouldn’t make this much of a difference to my moods. I feel like a yo-yo. Am so up and down its ridiculous.

Everything feels like it’s on top of me, crushing me down and I find it hard to breathe sometimes. Despite the worries, I know deep down being at work just isn’t right for me at the moment. It makes me feel physically sick still just at the thought of going back. Had to take in my doctors note today and came out shaking. Its a nightmare.

I feel like I’m failing and letting everyone down still too. I’ve been told by a few people that I’m not, but I can’t help feeling I am. Sitting at home doesn’t pay the bills. Nor does it really achieve anything as it gives me too much time to think, and ultimately panic. Admittedly it’s giving me time to search and apply for something else, but I received a decline today so that’s knocked me back a bit. Couldn’t even pass the online assessment for a job to get to the interview stage. I feel like a dumbass.

I don’t know what else I can do; until I get my CBT with the psychologist, things aren’t going to get better for me. The anxiety is at an all time high and nothing I try myself seems to work. Have tried all the techniques I learnt at group CBT, relaxation things, self help online.. And I’m still just as anxious as ever. My biggest demon is attacking me harder than ever and I can’t find the strength within myself to fight it off. Its winning more every day. It feels like it’s escalated out of all proportion these last couple of days. Compared to last week, when it was bad but I was coping with it. Not quite sure how, but I was.

Before my holiday from work, I was starting to feel okay with things. I was managing the anxiety well and to a certain extent enjoying the job. I wish I knew what or why it changed. Its like it’s jumped on me over night. Its so frustrating!!!!!

Anyway, am going to stop rambling on now and try and chill before bed. Not sleeping or eating properly lately. Just can’t switch off at night and then am drowsy all day and end up napping. I have no appetite really at all, and just tend to not bother during the day then just have dinner with my husband. Aaaargh it’s all going wrong… 

Really going to stop now! Until next time lovely people… 

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