September 7th – Dipping and Diving

Hey folks,

My moods are all over the place at the moment. Probably something to do with missing my medication for 2 days… oops. Am back on them now, so hopefully things will improve.

I had my discharge letter from my Pdoc, and she has diagnosed Health Anxiety and OCD and referred me for further CBT. I hope it’s soon, as it’s getting really tough.

Today marks 151 days self harm free, so have reached and beaten my 150 target! So yeah, that’s a good thing.

As far as the rest of it is concerned… I’m low. Work is really getting me down and I really don’t want to be there. The Health Anxiety is at an all time high, and I think my probation period may get extended due to already having 4 days off in my first 2 months. I’m actively seeking and applying for other jobs, but am yet to work out what to tell prospective employers when they ask why I’m leaving. Do I tell them the truth or just say I’m looking for something more permanent, as my current job is only temporary? I really don’t know. I don’t want them to think that I’m weak for letting the HA win. Which is what I’m doing really. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s easier said than done and I just can’t do it. I feel that going into the role was a big mistake and I do regret it now. I was just so made up that I’d found a job and was going to be earning again.

See, it’s not that I don’t want to work, because I do; it’s just that the role just isn’t right for me. I’m constantly on edge and stressing, and it’s exhausting me more than the job is. By the end of the day I’m so worn out that I’m crashing out on the sofa by 8pm. It is a long day though as well, 9 hours. Going from doing nothing all day for near on a year, it’s definitely hard for me. Combine that with the anxiety and it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster really.

Work are aware of the HA and OCD, and my Bipolar. So, when it comes to leaving then at least I can tell them the truth, just that it really is too much for me. It’s going to be awkward though, especially working out any notice period. To be honest, am trying to get a new job before my probation is up, so maybe I won’t have to. I can just leave… hmm, wishful thinking perhaps.

Anyway, enough about work. Something else that’s positive for this weekend, is that my husband and I completed the 10K Memory Walk for the Alzheimers Society yesterday. (To sponsor us, please go to our Just Giving page, link at the end of this post). It was a lovely walk, around a country park with a huge lake in the middle. Saw some lovely views, and was nice just to spend some quality time together. My husband is really suffering with sore feet today though, bless him. I slept funny and woke up with a bad back and neck, so we’re a right pair of cripples today! But, it was all for a good cause. So far we have raised £60. Our Just Giving page is still going to be open for another couple of months, so there’s plenty of time to raise some more!

My weight loss has stalled once again. Gained 4lbs this week, and not feeling good about any of it right now. I’m really struggling to get the focus back and stay on plan. There’s days where I think that I’m going to do it, then let my emotions get the better of me and end up falling down and eating chocolate or other such bad food. Then I get disheartened when clothes don’t fit me. It’s driving me crazy, and I really feel like I need a swift kick up the proverbial to get me going again. I want to get back into working out/exercise as well, but can’t seem to get my head in the game for that either. Currently doing a 30 Day Fitness challenge of my own creation, comprising of sit ups, crunches and push ups. But what I really want to do is join a gym and do some proper working out. It’s just budgeting for it that seems to be the problem. We’re only just getting back on track with finances, and adding something else into the equation is just out of the question at the moment. Maybe will try getting back out for walks on my days off; am also contemplating doing yoga, as it is meant to be good for mental health as well. Watch this space people, once I’m back in the game there’ll be no stopping me… it’s just getting back in that’s the problem at the moment.

Well, I think that’s all from me today, expecting some visitors shortly so best log off anyway. Fingers crossed for a better week this week…last week was a bit of a shambles!!

Until next time folks….

http://www.justgiving.com/sumnermemorywalk2014

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