This post comes with very good news, and a big step in the progress.
Today I saw my Pdoc (Psychiatric Doctor for those who don’t know that term), and it was a very good appointment indeed. We discussed how I’d been since the last time we met (which we worked out as around 4 months ago!).
I told her honestly that I’ve been really good. She asked me if there has been an excessive highs or bad lows, and I said not recently. Because there hasn’t been really. I told her about the small low I had a while back, but that it was shortlived. I can’t remember the last high I had and she said that was a good thing. We also discussed the self harm and she was delighted when I told her that today is 145 days since I last cut.
We also spoke about my health anxiety regarding work, and she decided it was something that doesn’t require medication, but that she would refer me to a Psychologist for talking therapy (like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, just less intense). I’m pleased about that because it needs addressing as it’s affecting my enjoyment of my job, as I’ve said before.
Finally, and here’s the good news I mentioned above: at the end of my appointment she said that she didn’t feel that she needed to see me again, unless I specifically thought I needed to, and I said no I didn’t think so; so with that said, she DISCHARGED ME! It’s the best feeling! It feels like I’ve finally reached the destination I’ve been aiming for on my journey. Its been a crazy year, that’s for sure. But it really feels like I’ve got my life back. Almost like I’m on cruise control on a happy medium road.
I was chatting to a good friend about how mad the last year has been, and how I’d felt back then; her response filled me with pride and brought a tear to my eye (happy of course!) this is what she said:
“Ah but you’ve done it. I remember when you first started on this journey, you didn’t think there was any point, you had little strength, you were tormented; but you’ve overcome all of that and look where you are now xx just learn from it all understand and recognise your triggers and have mechanisms in place to put into action ASAP xxx very proud of you and I hope you continue on this road of happiness xx”
It was such a lovely thing to say so I had to share it with you. And she’s right. I have overcome all of the challenges life threw at me. Yes, I struggled more with some than others, but here I am on the other side of it. As hard as it was, I wouldn’t change the experience for anything. I know that sounds mad, but it has changed me for the better. I’m a stronger person on this side of it, than I was before it. I know my triggers and do my best to avoid them. If I can’t avoid them I do have strategies to get through them. I understand myself a lot better now, and can usually control my emotions a lot better too. I’m not the train wreck on self destruct anymore. I feel like I really have crashed, burned and been reborn from the ashes. (Reference to my Phoenix tattoo there…).
If you’re reading this, and you’re where I was back then, trust me when I say it does get better. It may not feel like it now, and it may not tomorrow either. But eventually it will and you’ll be sitting where I am now saying the same thing. With the right help and probably medication, you can beat it and be yourself again, or an even better you.
There’s no shame in asking for help, or taking medication. You wouldn’t hesitate for a headache or other such ailment, so accept the help for mental illness too. It really, truthfully is worth it. Stay strong.
And on that note, I will draw this to a close and relax with my wonderful husband. Until next time folks…..