August 28th – Thoughts, feelings, emotions…

Hey folks, 

Just thought I would check in with you all; am feeling really content and relaxed at the moment, having a lovely week off with my wonderful husband. Long lay ins, together time, and just generally chilling out. It’s been great, don’t want it to end!! Oh to be a millionaire…haha. 

Anyway, some random thoughts, and some milestone figures: 

Today is: 141 days self harm clean; and 1 year, 7 months and 24 days sober. 

2 quite remarkable achievements for me. Considering at day 1 of both of those things, I felt weak and didn’t think I’d ever overcome either obstacle. 

Right now, this very moment, I’m feeling the most proud and amazed at myself for coming this far. Each day is like a small victory for me, another day that I’m getting stronger, and ultimately becoming a better (in the mental health sense) person. I’m really learning to control my Bipolar now, and for the first time I feel grateful for my medication. I used to resent having to take it, (especially the weight gain it causes), but to be in a stable mood is so worth it. It’s been a while since I’ve experienced a deep low or excessive high, and it feels great. I feel like I’m on cruise control on a happy medium for the first time in a long time. I’ve probably said all this before, but this blog acts as a way of reminding myself just how far I have come. 

I remember being back at the beginning of this journey, feeling so overwhelmed and totally hopeless. Now I’m standing tall, feeling hopeful. I’m back in control of my life and I know that I can achieve anything I put my mind to now. 

Which brings me to something that I’m not content or happy with yet. My weight. It is something that I’m going to struggle with because of the medication, but if I put 110% into getting back onto the Slimming World plan, I should be able to lose some of what I’ve gained. I might not get back down to the size 10 I was at original target, pre-meds, but hopefully I can stop myself creeping up to a size 14. I’d be happy just to be a comfortable 12, and tone up all the flabby parts haha. As this week is holiday week I’ve just eaten whatever, whenever, so am looking forward to getting some sort of structure back and getting back on it next week. I’m planning to do a big shop on the weekend, and filling the cupboard, fridge and freezer with all things SW friendly!! I know I can do it because I have before, it’s just a case of putting my mind to it and really knuckling down and resisting the temptations of convenience and chocolate!!! My eating habits are very much linked with my emotions; if I’m sad/down I eat, and likewise when I’m happy, I eat. It’s always been a battle that 9 times out of 10 I lost. This time I’m really going for it, and am determined to lose at least 1 and a half stone by Christmas. 

Another thing I want to write about tonight, is something that probably most of you are aware of to some degree, the Ice Bucket Challenge. Now before you get me wrong, I’m not at all against raising awareness of particular illnesses and charities. That’s not me at all. I just don’t see how pouring freezing cold water over your head is really going to make much of a difference. Yes, it has raised a lot of awareness, but at the same time, how many of those people have actually donated to the cause. Sadly, you may find that it is less than half. They have raised a lot of money for ALS, which is great, but how much of that was celebrity donations I wonder? To me some of the videos that I’ve seen only seem to be about having a laugh or getting your own back on your friends/family. Some videos don’t even mention the charities involved or the illness it relates to. I find that disheartening, and just shows how the meaning of it has gotten lost over time. I’ve already told my friends that there is no point nominating me, because I won’t be throwing water over myself for anyone. I have however donated to the MND Association, which is the UK version of the ALS charity. ALS or MND is a condition close to my heart, because my father was diagnosed with it approximately 6 months before he passed away. Whether it was a contributing factor towards his passing, we’ll never know, but I’m sure it didn’t help matters. Over his last few months he slowly lost the ability to eat or drink, and his speech got so bad he couldn’t really communicate with us. It was distressing to see, and no doubt for him to experience too. I still remember him trying to tell me how proud he was of me, but he just couldn’t get the right words out. I told him I knew what he was trying to say, and that I loved him for it, but it was obvious in his eyes that it both frustrated and upset him to not be able to do something so many of us take for granted. My donation was in his memory, and if you haven’t already done so and would like to donate, please text ICED55 £(donation amount here) to 70070. It would really mean a lot to me.

I think that is all from me for tonight, so until next time folks… 

 

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