August 2nd – Poorly

Hey folks…

Sorry for not being around much lately. Not really had much to say to be honest. But today I feel I have a bit of emotional baggage to unload…

I’ve been feeling really poorly the last couple of days, had to call in sick at work yesterday and felt really guilty for doing so. I was the 2nd person to call in and I felt like I was letting them down. I just wasn’t up to doing anything but sleeping though. Which is all I did for the whole day. That and drink about 3 litres of water!! Hoping its helped, but still feel pretty rough today.

When I don’t feel well I find my mood is low too. Same when I am tired. So I have spent a lot of time dwelling on things that get me down. In particular my ex brother. I still hate myself for everything that happened, and no matter how hard I try I just can’t stop it hurting me. I miss him every day and still check his twitter from time to time as well. He has definitely moved on though and probably doesn’t even think of me at all. I wish I could do the same. It hurts to think of him in any way and I wish I could just erase it all from my memory.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have said that I am going to put it behind me and move on, but I never seem to manage it. For a few days perhaps, but then my mood drops and I am right back there again. It is counterprodictive and really bugs me. If time is such a great healer, why isn’t it getting any easier yet?! Still feels just as raw and emotional now as it did back then. It was a while ago now, so really I should be feeling better about it surely? Wishful thinking perhaps.

I just feel like I will never find peace with it all. It feels like it will always haunt me and hurt me and that there isn’t anything I can do about it.

I’m still suffering with health anxiety about work too; which I also wish I could just click my fingers and it all go away. Part of me felt being away from work was a good thing yesterday, at least I wasn’t constantly anxious. I really do hope it gets better as I really want the job to work for me. Even if it is only temporary.

I think that is enough whining for one day. Seems to be all I do lately…

Oh, and sorry there hasn’t been a themed post for August 1st. I will get around to it at some point.

I can end this on one positive: 115 days self harm free. The only thing I truly feel in control of right now.

Until next time…

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