July 12th – Full Moon

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Hey folks,

Today is supposedly a full moon, so in the spirit of that, I am releasing ‘what doesn’t serve me’. 

Firstly, my negativity about my job; I can do, I’ve proven that to myself twice now, so I’m embracing the unknown and am determined to enjoy it and make it work for me. Yesterday was a good day, although exhausting of course, but it went well. For my second day I started feeling more part of the team. At some points I felt like a spare part still, but as time goes on and I get to know routines and where things are, that should lessen. I’ll be able to do other things and it’ll be less sitting around just observing, and more actual working. Hopefully the manager will get my induction done next week as she said she would, so that’ll help. Learning more about the nursery and how it all works will be good. Also, she’ll probably get my CRB/DBS check done as well, so that’ll mean full responsibilities like nappies and taking children to the toilet. Not the most appealing side of things, but it comes as part of the role, and in all fairness I need to get doing it sooner rather than later. I often feel like I’m being lazy having to let the other girls do it, I know they’re aware that I’m not allowed to at present, but I still feel bad sometimes.

I also was thinking back to previous times working in nurseries, and realising I’ve been sicked on before and been okay. I need to get into the mind-set of ‘if it happens, it happens’ and ‘it’s just a hazard of my job’; as well as ‘the good outweighs the bad’. If I can focus on those three things, and just relax into it, I should be okay. It’s still early days, so I think that’s playing a part in the anxiety of it. Having worked in nurseries before, one of which for well over a year, I know I can do the job and I can do it well. I remember my NVQ assessor saying “Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you’re not good at this job, because you are and you do it well.”. At the time I was having issues with other staff members picking on my abilities and it was getting me down.

I need to remember that I got this job on my own merit, with my own personality and experience. Obviously my qualifications help, but none of my certificates have been seen as yet, and no references have been requested for me. I’m being given the benefit of the doubt in a way, and I need to prove myself and my abilities. So far all I’ve had is positive feedback on how I’m doing, and both the manager and deputy manager are happy to have me on board. So, I need to focus on the positives, let go of the negatives, and just enjoy the job and the fact that I’m now earning.

Wow, that was a big first one… but there is a second.

Something that I’ve not spoken about for a while, but that has been playing on my mind a little lately. The voices, my ex brother, and just generally the events of the last year before I got help. The guilt for it all still bothers me, and I feel it’s time to let it go.

There’s nothing I can do to change things, those who stuck by me understand that it was beyond my control and part of my illness, and those that have turned their backs on me don’t deserve to be a part of my life anyway. It’s their loss, not mine. Of course really I’m only talking about one person in particular, because I’m lucky and feel totally blessed, to have so many understanding people still in my life despite what happened. It’s time to truly release all the emotions that went with that time in my life, and move on from it once and for all. I’m not that person anymore, and my disorder is now under control with medication. I too am more in control and stronger than I was before, so nothing like that should ever occur again. If, and it’s a big if, it were to then knowing what I know now about my disorder, I can get it nipped in the bud before it gets out of hand. So I can leave it all behind me now and make the most of the now and look forward to the future.

Today has been a really chilled out day, so am feeling pretty good. Didn’t get up until around 12noon, so had plenty of sleep! Feeling a lot more awake and with it because of that. The weathers been lovely and sunny and I have a smile on my face. Also, writing in my positives book that today is day 94 self harm free also put a big smile on my face and filled me with pride. Have already decided that I’m getting a tattoo to mark 100 days, and possibly 150 days. Then at 200 days I’m buying a domain name for my blog and making it officially my own.

Anyway, slightly shakey now so it’s time for some food!! then later I’ll look at the full moon, take a deep breath in, and as I release the breath I’ll then release all of the above emotions and anxieties with it (hopefully…). Keep your fingers crossed folks, today is MY day and I’m determined to let it all go once and for all….

Until next time….

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