Did you miss me yesterday? … unlikely lol!
Well, I am back, and feeling very reflective. I wrote in my journal today, usually separate thoughts from what goes in my blog, but today it’s being merged into here.
I was sat thinking about suicide. No, not like that! In the “Wow, I got that low, but never acted upon those thoughts”, kind of way. It got me thinking about how glad I am that I never did act on those thoughts, what I’m grateful for and why I’m happy to be alive.
I’m really proud of how far I have come, and am feeling a lot better than I did at the beginning of this journey. It’s amazing what can happen in 5 months.
At the beginning of this year I was still really struggling with depression. This had been going on for around 6 months, and no matter how high the dose of the medication went, I still felt awful. I struggled every single day with negative thoughts, suicidal urges and self harm. I’d never felt so low in all my life.
On the 7th of January, I went to my first ever Psychiatrist appointment. I remember being totally terrified of going, and my husband having to practically push me through the door. I didn’t exactly hit it off with her that day either; I left feeling worse than ever, and all she’d done was increase my medication. I didn’t feel it was going to help, and turns out it didn’t really anyway.
On the 22nd of January, I started 12 weeks of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; Looking back, I remember how I used to say that I wasn’t going to bother going and didn’t see the point of it. But now that I’ve done the full 12 weeks, I’m both glad and proud of myself for sticking at it and attending every session. It’s definitely been worth it, and I’d recommend it to anyone!
Through February up to now, I’ve most definitely been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs, some close calls to ending things, and lots of appointments with Doctors, Psychiatrists, Therapists and Medications. Which to conclude the outcome of all of those to one thing, a diagnosis. Bipolar Disorder. After 13+ years of struggles with depression and varying degrees of mood swings, I finally got a name for it all. Yes, I freaked out to start with; but then once I’d gotten my head around it, I settled down and it all began to make so much sense. I was no longer scared of the diagnosis, I embraced it with both hands and thought “Right, this isn’t going to defeat me, I’m going to learn to manage my condition and live a fulfilling life!”.
Apologies for repeating things in this post that have already been blogged about in the past, but it’s good to look back sometimes. If only just to see how far you’ve come, what you have achieved and things to be proud of. Truth is, I can finally say I am genuinely happy to be alive and so very proud of all the things I’ve battled through and won. So many times I really did see no future for myself; all I saw was bleak, miserable and depressed existence ahead of me.
But now, my medication is right and working, I have a much more positive outlook on everything, and I’m finding more positives every day. In my journal I wrote:
“I’m glad I didn’t give up. I’m glad something kept me hanging on. I’m grateful for all of the love and support that I receive each and every day. I can’t say I love life just yet, but I’m happy to still be alive. I’m a fighter not a quitter, and I intend to keep on fighting. I’ve been through some of the worst days of my entire life, but I made it through. I don’t always know how exactly, but I did. Better days are here, and the best is yet to come.”
I don’t think I really need to leave you with a positive quote tonight, as the above is my own positive!
I will leave you with this though…. today is 39 DAYS SH FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Until next time…