May 10th – Little high, little low

Evening folks, 

Not much to report tonight; didn’t want to get out of bed this morning for a start. The days been average really, nothing exciting, just the fortnightly Morrisons shop with my husband, from a nice bank balance to practically nothing again in less than an hour. Sigh. 

Our financial situation gets me down a lot; especially as my PIP claim is going to take 26+ weeks, so not very helpful. Once that gets sorted though, if I can claim it, it’ll open doors to other benefits as well; even if I am working. There’s hope on the horizon I suppose, just got to cling on and manage until then…somehow. 

My mood today has been very fluctuating. Happy one minute, low the next. Can’t really keep up with it to be honest. Am tracking it hourly with an app on my phone, so over the next few days, it’ll put together a chart of my moods, so I can see what’s going on. I just wish the mood stabiliser medication would do just that, stabilise me! I’m sick of the rollercoaster or emotions and swings in my mood. I just want to feel “normal”. Whatever that is…. 

I’ve been thinking about the volunteering a lot since yesterday, and I’m not sure if it’s really something I want to do… I know how selfish that probably sounds, but I’d rather use that time for paid work if I can… it’s not that I don’t want to give my time for free, it’s just that at the moment with our finances being so short, I feel my time would be better used to contribute to that instead. I’ll see how it goes next week when I do a proper shift; the following Friday I won’t be able to do as I’m working anyway. As much as volunteering seemed like a good idea, I’m just not so sure any more. Please don’t judge me…

I am quite anxious about starting my temp job next week; I suppose it’s just because it’s new and unknown to me. I’m sure it’ll probably be okay after the first day, once I get the hang of how things work and where places are etc. I just have an overwhelming fear that I’ll do something wrong…  as with everything I do these days, that fear is always in the back of my mind. 

I’m going to nominate my GP in the Boots/This Morning Health Hero Awards. I feel he deserves it, as he’s gone above and beyond to help me and get me to where I am now. I don’t think I’d be sitting here now typing this if he hadn’t of stepped in with my care. I honestly see him as a hero and a genuinely fantastic doctor. 

I’ve got a couple of positive quotes to end this post with tonight, so until next time… 

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.”

“Sometimes the best thing you can do, is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

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