***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***EMOTIONAL CONTENT***
Today is definitely a snake day; I woke up feeling low and grumpy and it hasn’t shifted yet. I’ve been so tired but so restless at the same time. I’ve done very little as had no energy really to do anything. I’ve not been able to nap though as can’t sit still!! Such an annoying way to be.
I went for a 3 mile walk this morning, in the hopes that it’d clear my head and put me back on track for a good day, but the only thing it did do was irritate my hayfever and make me feel worse! By the time I got back, my eyes were stinging and itching, I had a stuffy nose and couldn’t stop sneezing. This put me into a worse mood.
I decided to remove temptations from the house though, due to the low mood. I didn’t want to snap and do something I’d regret (or worse). Last weekend I cleared out the kitchen medicine cupboard, and we had tons of out of date pills and potions. Something that could do me some damage basically. So I bagged them all up and today I took them to Boots for them to dispose of. No more temptation on that front! All that’s left in the house now is some hayfever pills and paracetamol. And of course my medications, but I can’t get to them. I’m not saying that I’ve felt that bad today, but I feel safer now that they’re no longer available to me. With my moods being so unpredictable, I can’t often be accountable for my actions. I do things without thinking about the consequences and end up in a worse state than I was before usually.
I did give in to a spending splurge though, or rather a gamble, on some scratchcards; didn’t win either so that annoyed me. Not even my couple of quid back. Today is not my lucky day.
I’ve really had to fight with myself today; so many urges to do stupid things. Distraction has been the key. Although, with such little concentration, it’s been a variety of things that I’ve done. I shredded yet more paperwork, played Guitar Hero for a while, listened to music, made a birthday card, chatted to people online and made chilli bread. A rather mixed bag of things, but at least they’ve kept me out of trouble.
Here’s the chilli bread:
Will be having it for dinner with sausages so will let you know what it’s like tomorrow.
My husband should be home any minute now, so hopefully the evening will be better with company. Although, in this weird kind of mood, sometimes I am best left alone. Will see.
Have had some pretty horrific flashbacks today too; of things long ago. Back when I was 16. I feel because they’ve come up in my head, that it is time to write about this particular thing; to deal with it maybe, or at least process it a little more. It’s going to be hard for me to write about though, so bear with me if I ramble a little.
When I was 15, I met a guy, who shall remain nameless. I won’t go into all the details but things progressed quickly between us. We were soon meeting up regularly and things were great. I was the envy of my friends because of his looks, and the fact that he was older than me. I honestly thought that it was the real thing, you know, the L word. Love.
As time went on, I started to see another side to this guy; he’d get very jealous over such small things, and had quite a temper too. He’d push me around a lot when things didn’t go his way, and it eventually built up one day to the point where he beat me. I told people that I’d fallen down the stairs when they asked me where the bruises came from. Over time, this became quite a regular thing, and I was beginning to run out of excuses. Every time though, he’d apologise and beg me to forgive him; of course being young and naive I did, every time. But one day, something just snapped in me. I couldn’t take any more of it and made the decision to end things with him. It wasn’t long after my 16th birthday that I’d copped it big time after refusing to have sex with him. Enough was enough; I was tired of making excuses and I told him we were through. He didn’t take it well. He told me that he’d get his revenge on me for it, and I didn’t listen and figured that things were over with and I could move on. I was wrong.
Along came the summer and I’d put my life back together and was happy. He called me, out of the blue, and was his old sweet and charming self. Without thinking, I fell for his charms and agreed to meet up with him to talk. In hindsight I really shouldn’t have, but at the time I thought there’d be no harm. Stick to public places and all that. We met, we talked and things seemed okay. He then suggested we went for a walk. Again, I didn’t really think things through, and agreed.
We were walking and talking, it felt like we’d just met all over again. But things were to take a really nasty turn.
We ended up out of sight of anyone, on our own, and he was starting to act really strangely. He kept trying to put his arm round me, but I kept brushing it off. This was making him angry. He then grabbed me to face him and told me that he was going to get the revenge that he’d promised. At this point I was getting really scared, but had no way out. There was no way I could out run him, he went to the gym regularly and was really fit. He was a lot stronger than me, and my arms were aching where he was holding them so tightly. He pushed me down onto the ground and… well, I’m not going into details of that either. It’s far too painful to go through again right now. But, the end result was, he raped me and left me there alone.
After a while, when I was sure that he’d gone, I gathered myself together and made my way home. I didn’t make it that far as I ran into my best friend and she instantly knew something was wrong. I was pale, shakey and winced every time she tried to hug me. I broke down in tears and told her everything; she immediately took me to the police and I gave my statement and had all the examinations etc. It was horrible. Even to this day, I can remember the cold room and the concerned look on the police doctors face. To be honest I can remember it all. Every detail from the smell of his aftershave, to the clothes that we were both wearing at the time. I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
I thought that when I had counselling, that I had dealt with all the raw emotions and moved on with my life. But it would seem not. It was so out of the blue as well; I was sat on the sofa, watching the television, and BAM! The flashbacks of it all came flooding through my mind like a tidal wave. Overwhelming me to the point where I felt I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t for some reason. Maybe it was the anger inside of me that stopped that, I don’t know. All I do know is, that it’s still something that I need to deal with, properly this time. I may make an appointment with my GP or mention it to the Psychiatrist at my next appointment. If it can come back so strong like this, then there’s obviously more talking to do about it.
Right now somehow I’ve got to tell my husband how it’s affected me today; easier said than done as he’s had a rough day at work. I know he needs to know, but I’m going to wait until the time feels right to talk to him. That time is definitely not now.
Blogging about it has seemed to free my mind to some extent, but it’s still definitely in there, churning away and tearing my heart apart.
I’m going to end it there now, as time to get dinner etc and if I keep typing I shall only cry….
Thanks for reading.. until next time…….