May 6th – Positivity

Hey folks, 

Blogging early again as out tonight for Rock Choir! 

Last night was Am Dram group, and I’m now an official paid up member, who is also cast in the play planned for November (ish!). I’m playing a character called Margaret in a play called Last Tango in Little Grimley! Exciting stuff, however also rather terrifying!! I’m really proud of myself though, as for a start just joining was a step out of my comfort zone. Also, I never imagined that I’d be taking part in a play so soon, but I’m looking forward to it (at the moment… ask me again nearer the time of performing it haha!). 

Today I have been really productive, despite feeling really tired and crappy. Before 11am I had: Eaten breakfast, done a workout, posted some eBay sales and forms, washed up, cleaned the kitchen, changed the cats litter tray, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, swept down the stairs and hoovered! I then kinda crashed in exhaustion! Just went for a bath and relaxed, feeling mighty accomplished! After that I made my first ever juice, with apple juice, blackberries, blackcurrants, cherries and grapes. Turned out really well, and made loads of it! Need to strain the seeds out of it though, as that was quite annoying whilst drinking. Other than that though I’m proud of it. Tomorrow I plan on making some Chilli flavour bread! Have made bread before, but not for a while, so will be fun. 

As I said at the start of this post, it’s Rock Choir tonight, so am looking forward to that. Just hope I stop feeling so crappy by then! I think my body is kicking off because I’m not eating as much as I have been lately; am trying to limit the junk food and not eat so much bread! It doesn’t like it and is constantly groaning that it’s hungry. Well, it can shush! 

I’m also thinking about quitting smoking again soon; only thinking at this stage. It’s kind of helped by the fact that because of my medication (at least I think it’s what’s causing it…) I have a constant salty taste in my mouth, which makes cigarettes taste pretty awful at the best of times! So perhaps I could use that to my advantage and at least cut down. That’s a good start. I don’t want to take on fully quitting yet, purely because I’ve not long gotten stable in my moods and don’t want to push my luck! Last thing I want to do is quit then become a grumpy, low, miserable moo again. At the moment it’s keeping me sane to a degree, but it’s definitely something I want to do in the not so distant future. Maybe in the next couple of months, when I’ve had more of this stable mood and gotten used to that.

It still feels a bit surreal to not feel depressed all of the time. I think because I’d felt that way for so long I’d just become accustomed to the feeling, so taking it away was very odd indeed. Just shows that the medication is now finally working though. I do believe that reducing the anti-depressants soon may now be an option too. Dr M mentioned it at my last appointment, but said that another month on the 50mg wouldn’t hurt. I would like to reduce down a little bit to be honest. As much as it scares me, I’d quite like to test myself and see just how far I’ve come. I feel okay at the moment, so fingers crossed. 

I wouldn’t say my mood is elevated, but it’s just kinda cruising nicely in the middle. I’m liking feeling ‘normal’, although it took a bit of getting used to. For a few days I didn’t quite know what to make of it, was constantly questioning myself on how I was feeling and surprised that I didn’t feel low! Of course I’ve had the occasional blip, but that’s to be expected. Even people without mental illness have low days. It’s life. For me though, I’ve seen all too many low days; right down to the depths of the black hole and beyond kind of days. But, I’m feeling a lot more hopeful now, and can definitely say that I’ve come so far since the beginning. I’m regaining some sort of routine in my life, with housework and general day to day happenings. It’s good! 

I’m also more prepared for when the low moods strike too; I have a crisis plan as well as things to do/distract myself with to avoid self-harming too. (Day 27 SH free today by the way….!!!). So far, so good. 

Anyway, I think that’s pretty much all I have to say for today. Will leave you with a great positive quote that I found online earlier; it spoke to me so much, it’s now become one of my favourites I think!! Until next time…. 

Life is always a polarity. If there were no darkness there would be no light. If there were no trouble there could never be any peace. If the sun always shone you would not appreciate it. You have to learn sometimes through conditions that seem a nuisance. One day you will look back and say…

“We learned our best lessons not when the sun was shining, but when the storm was at its greatest, when the thunder roared, the lightning flashed, the clouds obscured the sun and all seemed dark and hopeless.”

It is only when the soul is in adversity that some of its greatest possibilities can be realised. 




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