Sorry about the very brief post last night, I wasn’t in a good place at all. Something happened that upset me greatly and I didn’t feel strong enough to write about it at the time. But, I’m here now to fill you all in.
I also want to apologise to those of you reading this that saw my Facebook status about it too; I know it worried a lot of people, I didn’t intend it to, and reading it today made me realise how it could have been interpreted. So for that I am sorry.
Anyway, on to what happened:
I know back a while ago I vowed not to talk about this person again, as I thought I’d closed the book on it back then; but it turned out the story hadn’t quite ended yet. I’m talking about my ‘brother’.
We spoke again a week or so ago on Skype. I signed in for the first time in ages and noticed him on my contacts list. This surprised me because I’d assumed that because he didn’t want any thing more to do with me the last time we’d spoken, that he’d delete me. But he hadn’t. So, foolishly, I messaged him stating my shock at seeing him on there. He was confused and said that he wasn’t going to delete or block me, and that he hadn’t meant that we’d never speak again. I told him that what was said previously had given me that impression and he apologised.
We then spoke a few more times, up to last night, which was to be our last ever conversation.
I told him that I wasn’t handling it very well, as it was such a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute we were talking and seemed fine, the next we weren’t, then we were again. It was getting too much. I asked him if he felt we should go our separate ways and he said perhaps it was for the best to stop the hurting. It was a brief conversation last night, and one that ended with me in tears and feeling both upset and angry at the same time. I told him I hoped that he got all that he wanted from life and that he was happy. He said he hoped the same for me, and that was that. I deleted and blocked him. It made me feel kind of empty and lost to be honest. I suppose it was so final and like closure on the whole thing. I then went for a cigarette and burnt all the cards that he’s ever sent me. It was quite therapeutic in a way, although I did worry that the neighbours may complain as it made a lot of smoke!
I’m not really sure what to think or how I should feel about it all. He was such a big part of my life and to have officially lost him forever feels very surreal at the moment. I will get used to it in time I suppose, I have no choice in the matter. It just hurts that someone who claimed to care so much about me, couldn’t see past my illness and let things from last year go. To a point I can understand his reasons, but at the same time I can’t help but feel angry that he could turn his back on me like that. I know I’ve said a lot of this before, but it’s all going round and round in my head, so I needed to write about it again to get it out. I’m not going to say that this’ll be the last time I speak of him, because I’m bound to think about him/the situation and feel upset all over again for some time, and this is my place to let it all out.
Will leave it there for that tonight though, as it’s going to get me crying again and I really don’t have the energy for it.
It’s been a really productive weekend though otherwise; we did our first ever shop at Morrisons yesterday, and managed to get a lot more for a lot less money that anywhere else we’ve shopped, so very impressed. We also filled the car up with fuel with a 6p off a litre voucher; can’t remember the last time it had a full tank! We’ve decided that we’ll do a shop every 2 weeks there from now on.
I’ve also sold a fair few things on eBay and made £30, and sold our old printer for £10. My husband sold a painting yesterday for £40, so we’ve done rather well! We’ve now got an Italian leather 3-piece suite as well, thanks to Freecycle! So feeling rather posh!
Mood wise I’ve been okay ish, apart from last night obviously. I’ve got an appointment with my GP tomorrow, but nothing much else planned. Need to make some phone calls (oh joy), to sort out some debts. I hate it. Hopefully though a claim I’ve made for a grant will go through and help with one of the debts we’ve got. As well as a claim for another benefit that fingers crossed I qualify for.
Okay so I’m so shattered (despite 2 large energy drinks I’ve consumed today…), am going to log off now and relax before heading to bed.
Until next time lovely people….