March 24th

Good evening folks!

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Today has been another good day; my bestie came to see me and we just chilled out, talked and went for a lovely walk in the spring sun. He also brought me this cute little teddy:

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It was nice to just relax and take some time out, as I’m really quite tired today. We sat by the river for a while and just listened to the birds; he needed the time out just as much I think. He’s been having a rough time of things lately himself, but despite that he’s been there for me 100%. It’s friends and family like him that have truly been my safety net lately. I know I can count on them for love and support. It means the world to me, I just hope they all realise it.

In other news with me, I had a review with my GP this afternoon; went very well. He noticed a difference in me as soon as I walked into his room! We agreed that it seems as if the new medication is agreeing with me and is becoming effective. Third time lucky indeed!!

He was proud of me for the way I’ve turned a corner since he last saw me and said he’d been concerned about me in between appointments due to the phone calls, letters and emails from my CBT therapist and psychiatrist. I said that it had definitely been a rough few weeks, but that I felt I was coming out the other side of it now. He praised my realistic approach of one day at a time and I shared with him my Facebook page status about refusing to sink. He agreed with me that inevitably there will be more dark days ahead that I’ll have to face, but he said that he feels I’m in a much stronger position and will hopefully be able to handle them better. The medication combined with the CBT being a big factor in that of course. I told him that last week CBT suddenly seemed to click with me and I finally feel like I’m starting to get it and see the benefits of it. I also told him that R had suggested I go on to 1-1 CBT after the group sessions end. He was very keen on that idea.

We discussed my concerns about my psychiatrist too; he told me to see how things play out now that the medication side of things seems resolved, and made a good point that I had semi thought of too. When I first started seeing the psychiatrist of course I was in a very dark place; which effectively meant that trying to delve in and figure out the root cause of it all would have been pointless. I wasn’t in the right headspace to start dealing with it and my barriers between her and I would of most certainly have gotten higher. In hindsight it makes a lot of sense and in a way I feel a bit guilty for being so judgemental of her approach to my care. But, we shall see how things go on the front! My GP did say that if I still felt there was no connection or that I wasn’t feeling as if she was helping me, after a few more sessions with her, then I’m within my rights to tell her and to ask her directly to see someone else and get a second opinion. At the end of the day my care plan needs to be of benefit to me in the long run, so I have to speak out if I don’t feel it is.

At the end of my appointment he said I had made his day and he is so happy to see me in a better place now. As he handed me my repeat prescription he said to keep going and stay in touch. Which I definitely will do. If it wasn’t for him taking the time to really get me the help I need, I don’t think I’d be sat here right now. I know that may sound quite drastic, but it’s true. Without the right care, mental illness can really be a life or death situation.

I’m pleased to report that B is still silent in my head. It still feels a little surreal, as I had gotten so used to his presence; my poison parrot as my employment advisor called him! It’s definitely a nice feeling though and I’m making the most of it, as I can’t be sure it’ll be this way permanently now (although I’d like it to be!). I suppose he’s likely to surface when those dark days occur; when I’m vulnerable and not so strong to fight/ignore him.

All of the unknowns in this journey are still a fear in the back of my mind; I suppose you could say I’m scared of the darkness consuming me again. Okay perhaps it won’t happen as bad as it has been, but even a small amount at the moment will be potentially tricky.
I just have to keep plodding on, day by day, and not give up.

I am determined to make it through this though. It’s safe to say I’ve not had any thoughts of suicide or self harm for about a week now. Which to me is a huge thing, as it was always a daily battle for me. But I can now walk up to a train track and instead of crossing without looking or hesitating in the middle, I check more than once that it’s safe to cross and almost run to the other side, firmly closing the gate behind me. Sometimes I don’t even take a breath whilst doing so either, so I think there’s a shred of fear in there somewhere too.

Even when I’ve been contemplating suicide, I’ve always been scared to die too. Mostly for how it’d affect those around me, more than the actual end of me. I know I have many people that love and care about me, and even when I don’t like myself still very much, I know a lot of people like me.

Whilst I’m on that topic actually, I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has been there for me over the past few months. I can’t imagine how difficult I’ve been to deal with and I truly appreciate the support that I’ve received. Even those that at times I’ve tried to push away, ignored or been bitchy to, have still remained firmly by my side. It’s nice to know I have so many lovely people around me, who willingly give up their time to help and support me.
So thank you all! Every single one of you, even those I’ve never met.

Right, I shall leave it there as I’m fighting to focus as I’m so tired! Thank you (again!) for reading. Much love to all.

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x Sara Phoenix x

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